Transparency

Any relationship requires honesty and openness. It starts at the beginning of the relationship, critical to building the foundation upon which the relationship is built upon. The longer the relationship, the firmer the foundation, and the parties involved are that much more secure in their interaction with the other. Any instances of hiding something or lying undermines the effort of both parties. If it continues, the whole relationship is damaged beyond repair, as the parties can no longer rely upon the other for accurate information.

People are complex, and there are an infinite number of ways in which they react, think, plan. Each one is uniquely different. And how one person relates to another depends greatly on how that person does all these things. If one hides something from the other, then there is less information to use in dealing with them. There is not a clear understanding of how that person works.

A slave is obligated to be fully transparent with her Master. Simply by virtue of the fact that she belongs to him means it is her duty to be fully open and honest with him. Any less is taking away what is rightly his. Beside this is a whole list of reasons why it's so crucial for a girl to be fully transparent with her Master.

A Master is responsible for his girl and her well-being. He has, by the simple fact that he has allowed her to belong to him, taken on the responsibility of seeing to her needs and training. But no Master is a mind-reader. He can't just look at his girl and know fully what it is she is needing. He needs her input. She gives him this by being fully open to him. She shows her reactions, feelings, thoughts. Clues like facial expressions, emotions, what lays behind her words, all indicate to her Master how she is reacting to a given situation and the thoughts that go with her reaction. As time goes by, he becomes more adept at reading his girl because of her transparency.

In the event that a girl is not transparent with her Master, either by lying or hiding something, a number of things take place. The first, of course, is that she's not being fully honest with him. That in itself is a serious problem. Beyond that, though, she is robbing him of crucial information that he needs to manage her well. If she happens to conceal her thoughts about something he requires of her, keeps her feelings behind a wall, he is unable to meet them with the required support so that she is able to perform the task. By doing this she has undercut her own source of guidance. She has kept information from her Master, who, in turn, needs that information to manage her and support her in that particular task. He can no longer guide her fully towards their goal, her being fully pleasing to him.

It's not easy. Many times shayla has thought she has been fully open to her Master, only to learn that she could have been more so. It is shayla's belief that transparency, like surrender, is a continually developing thing. It takes time. The girl must be continually aware, focused on what her Master is wishing, and her reactions to it. She needs to steer those reactions towards being more pleasing to her Owner. There are times when a girl needs to come face to face with things about herself that she does not like, or has not seen. In facing these things we do not like about ourselves, we are able to change them into something positive.

It has helped shayla to speak to her Master about these things. Sometimes it's a discussion, others a simple question and response. Her Master knows when she is bothered with something, when she is not happy with a command of his. And yes, there have been commands that she has not fully understood. But by being as transparent as possible, her Master has not only caught on to why shayla was uncertain with something, he has been able to give her information so that she is more able to fully obey him.

So by being transparent, a slave is actually helping herself as well as her Master. By showing him what lays beneath the surface, so that he can act accordingly. In this way he is able to manage her better, so that she may better learn what he is wanting her to do. And in this, she is becoming more pleasing to him, which is, of course, the mutual goal.

shayla

Conditions

A great many girls are submissive by nature. How it shows in a Master/slave relationship varies greatly per pair. In BDSM pairings, there is occasionally a contract of some type, listing the girl's conditions, what she won't do, or will allow. One hears about safe-words a great deal. A word or phrase which indicates to the girl's Master that she's unable to continue the action, and to stop promptly. In today's society and it's realities, such cautions are entirely justified. Any girl in a Master/slave relationship needs to be cautious about the boundaries that will be established.

The relationship Master and shayla has is unconditional. She has no safe-word. There are no conditions to her service. Her only safety-net is her obedience. And while there are times that shayla has begged mercy, it has been his discresion that was the final factor, not hers. There have been times that shayla has been commanded to do something that she would not normally do. At those times, she has been nervous, uncertain, occasionally reluctant. Each time she has done her best to obey, and she has never come to harm. It only re-confirms her faith and trust in her Master.

Looking back, shayla possibly could have resisted herself and refused to enter this relationship. She may have come across someone who would allow her to serve him with conditions and the like. As shayla thinks of the possibility, she cannot help but feel that a conditional servitude would be incomplete for her. She would continually be holding something back.

As time goes by, she can visualize less and less the possibility of trying to put conditions on her servitude. She is not meaning in relation to her Master, but simply of herself. All this time she has been here she has been striving to hold nothing back, to do her utmost to not only obey fully, but to please her Master fully. It's been a learning experience, sometimes she does better, sometimes she doesn't. But the whole time she has been improving overall. Regardless of how small a request of his is, she attempts to obey with the same level of heart and sincerity. She continually tries to yield fully to his wishes and will. A great deal of her development in her Master's service has been re-discovering instincts, tendencies, and reactions that are instinctive, yet so long-buried it's like coming across an artifact. Old and unused, but still very real and elemental. She has been reveling in it all, thriving in it.

As she thinks about it, she doubts she would be able to do as well were she allowed conditions to her service. She would be keeping part of her-self from her Owner, keeping it inside. In doing so she would not be able to develop as she has been. She suspects that she would not be able to surrender as fully as she has, simply because keeping part of herself from her Master would be allowed.

There are many types of slaveries, each of them with their own pros and cons. Shayla believes she has found the one that is not only the best for her, but what she was made for. She cannot imagine putting any type of condition on her servitude to her Master, even if he were to allow it. It is because of this lack of conditions in her service that she has progressed as far as she has.

shayla

Joking

"Tharlarion," I told her,..."show little susceptibility to pain"
"yes, Master," she said
"in this," I said, "they closely resemble female slaves."
"Oh, no, Master!" she cried. "No!"
"No?" I said
"No," she said.."we are terribly susceptible to pain, truly!"
"Doubtless you were as a free woman," I said, "but now you are a slave."
"I am even more susceptible to pain now," she said.....
"Ah," she said, chagrined, putting down her lovely head, "Master teases his girl."
"Perhaps," I said

Mercenaries of Gor, pp 34, 35

Something John Norman touches on very briefly is the idea of Masters joking with their slaves. As far as shayla can tell, the above is one of the only passages in all 26 books that show a Master and slave joking. And even then, the jest is very one-sided. Oddly, it is something that shayla's never seen mentioned in any of the discussion groups she has been in or seen.

Master and shayla were talking as he was working on the computer today. She was kneeling at his feet, head in his lap while he worked, occasionally handing him something or taking a note or two. The conversation ranged from a slave friend of shayla's, her lack of expertise with his computer (or any other computer, for that matter), to the cat's latest quirks. And during this time we were joking with each other. An easy, relaxed exchange, with shayla causing him to laugh almost as much as he was her. The whole time, there was no dilution of his Mastery, no subtle insubordination on shayla's. Simply Master and his slut working on a task, joking as they enjoyed the time spent with each other.

So much of what is to be found about being Gorean is very serious. With good reason. So often people mis-understand what being Gorean is all about. Shayla has come across a number of stories in which great harm has been done by a 'Gorean'. Being Gorean means you have a set of standards other than the norm. The Goreans that shayla knows are proud of what they are, and do not take the dilution of their beliefs lightly.

But to shayla, this doesn't mean that being Gorean is all seriousness and formality. Master and shayla are very serious about the life they lead. He is extremely serious about his ownership and direction of her, as she is of her service and subjugation to him. But we have fun with each other as well. And as time goes by shayla improves on joking with him while remaining in the bounds of his will. We laugh about an occurance at shayla's work, a misspelled sign on a truck on the free-way, something funny that happened to him at his job. There is a great deal of laughter in this household. We are able to relax with each other.

Serious? Both of us are. But we are able to be serious even as we are able to laugh about other things.

shayla

Gifts

A question came to shayla's attention on a board tonight, asking those who serve if they are allowed to give gifts to their owners. It's a question that has been bandied about on many different discussion boards, to no real conclusion or consensus as to whether it's right or wrong for a kajira to give her Master a gift. It made shayla smile.

Shayla's Master goes through the same holdiays as the rest of the world. Christmas, Valentine's Day, his birthday, etc. Master's birthday actually came and went shortly after shayla had arrived here. And with it, as well as the other holidays, shayla has been requested (ordered) not to try to give him anything.

At first, this bothered shayla to no end. He'd already done so much for her, how could she not make some sort of gesture, offer him some type of gift in return? How could he reject a gift from someone that is so devoted to pleasing him? She's been asked this question many times, in different ways. And when she thinks about the answer, it becomes more and more clear to her.

She asked her Master that very thing. He said that anything she could give him would be inadequate compared to what she was giving him on a regular basis. At first it was confusing, but as time went on, it became more clear to her. While, in many ways, she cannot leave, she is desperately eager to please him and to belong to him. And it shows in her every act. A hard look from him and she is in tears of remorse, a smile from him causes her to feel that she would walk through coals if it pleased him. Her every action, even when she errs in some way, all stems from a desire to surrender to and please him. She strives to give him all she can in her service and devotion to him.

How can something so monumental be condensed into a box? Shrunk into one day? What type of finite, material item, can a kajira possibly give her owner that would adequately represent what she offers to and gives him daily?

The other day, her Master was in the other room as shayla was working in the kitchen. Positioned as he was, he had a clear view of her as she worked. He had wished her to wear nothing but her heeled sandals at the time. Shayla, of course, had her mind on the task at hand, though still listening for a word from him that would bring her to his feet. Master told her later that he had looked at her as she was working, thinking to himself. He said that he was living a dream, one that many many men have, but very few have the courage to pursue. A beautiful, sexual woman living with him, belonging to him in every way possible. One that was totally devoted to him and his pleasure, ready to do anything if he were to ask.

What kind of purchased, material item, could possibly match putting a man's dream into his hands?

shayla

Kindness

A number of people would assume that shayla's Master is unkind for accepting her into slavery to him. For holding her to such high standards and encouraging her to stay within the bounds of his will. Not so.

Shayla has met a number of people that have known him for some time, who are familiar with his reputation. None of them have any reservations in expressing their loyalty to him. And he is continually encouraging shayla. Regularly giving her ways in which she can improve in her own self as well as her service to him. There have been any number of times that he's done something for her that would have been the last thing she would have expected, which brought her to tears with gratitude. It is a large reason she is as committed to his pleasure as she is. Were he not as good a man as he was, she would not be so devoted to him.

There are times, though, that she slips after he has been kind to her. Master will be good to her in a way, and somehow shayla will begin to lax in her diligence for a day or two afterwards. She slips in little things, but that she knows better than to do. Lack of attention to what he is saying, missing a request of his. For her, it is the most distressing part of her service. That she is, through her lack of attentiveness, demonstrating something to him that is ultimately inaccurate. For by this pattern she is displaying ingratitude, lack of sincerity. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Master asked her why she did this today. She didn't have an answer for him. And since then she's been thinking about it. At this time, all she has is ideas. None of them are substantial. None of them, to her, ultimately matter. Only that she has been displeasing to him. To those who do not understand the thinking of a kajira, such knowledge is tremendously disturbing.

She is here to please her Master. It is her main goal, main focus. A kajira's main motivation is to please. And to try to please, only to displease, is, for shayla, agonizing. Especially when preceded with such actions on his part which are, ultimately, optional.

So what does she do with this pattern? She fixes it, changes it. Makes it so that these little kindnesses take on import similar to a scolding or switching. That's not to say that she disregards the switch and scoldings, but that she uses these little actions much as she uses a scolding or switching. As tools her Master has handed her. Adding fuel to the fire. Motivation. A reinforcement for her focal point. Which never changes. All she wants in this is to please him. She has never been so grateful to anyone as she is him for the chance he has given her.

shayla

Undiscovered

"Why is it that we yearn to be more or other than we are? It so rarely occurs to us that what we are looking for may be- indeed, always is- already within us, undiscovered." -Toinette Lippe

There have been times that shayla has wanted to begin this transformation before. Made some attempt at doing it on her own. She tried, but was unable to do so. And people have offered to help her along the way. They've offered many times, and shayla's accepted each statement of intention to help. And each offer came to no end. A passing intent, empty words. Shayla does not mean to imply that she depended on those offers. She's always been very independant. Doing her utmost to seek out ways she could improve on her own. And for some reason, it never worked. Strain, lack of knowledge, and uncertainty sabotaged her every attempt.

At this stage, when shayla looks in the mirror, or looks into herself, she no longer recognizes what she sees. It's all still her. Despite her level of servitude to him, she's still herself in many ways. Only so much more herself that she's almost a stranger. She never dreamed that she could be this capable of trust and confidente.

But it's still all her. It's been there the whole time. And for whatever reason, she's been unable to reach into herself and let it show. Master, on the other hand, somehow knew what was underneath. He's taken the time and effort to help her focus and work towards what it is he knows is there. How he saw the potential is something shayla will never understand. But he did. And took the time to coax it out little by little. As time goes by, this process seems to be accellerating. Perhaps it's due to the foundation that has been built, shayla simply understanding what lies beneath herself and letting it grow. For it seems to be taking on a life of its own. She'd never anticipated the levels she's reached. And from what he says, neither has her Master.

So we continue to let the process happen. It seems that seeing the real shayla emerge is as enjoyable for both of us as the anticipation of what will come.

shayla

Fears

We all have our fears. Spiders, heights, snakes, paper cuts, whatever. For shayla, she's afraid of being the center of attention. To be clearly visible. Whether that be having her picture taken, performing in some way, even dressed sexily when she's out. In the past, she has always let the fears rule her. Avoided situations in which she's so visible, preferring to slip unnoticed into the background. Until chance brought her into a situation where she's regularly the center of attention. It scares the pants off her regularly (figuratively, that is. Her Master doesn't allow her to wear slacks in the house). Why's she scared of being the center of attention? It's really more conditioned response than anything else. And it is something her Master has been chipping and grinding away at little by little.

It's frustrating. Shayla will start a performance of some kind, only to stall or trip up mid-way through. He's taken her through some performances time and again, letting her adapt to the notion of being observed closely as she does something. It's not all that easy for her. She must fight her natural response to close in on herself and concentrate on what it is he's wanting her to do, focusing on one motion after the next. Often what results is a stilted, jerky action. Put together they would be graceful, but with shayla fighting old habits every step of the way, it morphs into something else. She often starts to fold in on herself and must force herself to avoid that reflex. And it's simple things, really. How he wishes shayla to leave his presence, walk, carry herself when she's out with him. Very simple, but so different than the habits that shayla's so long established that it's alien to her. And that she is still very much in awe of him causes her to be more anxious about doing the task well. Which, predictably enough, makes it worse.

So she does something that is still rather new for her. She faces it, forcing herself to do what it is he's wanting her to. Pushes past the shakiness and anxiety and concentrates on doing exactly what it is he's wishing. Her progress isn't smooth. Sometimes she does better than others. Sometimes not. It helps that her Master is becoming more exacting with her. Less likely to let a slip go uncorrected. To some that would make the situation worse, but for shayla it helps.

And it's coming. The more she pushes past the fear, the better she is at confronting it when she feels it again. Master has never once berated her or talked down to her for her attempts in doing as he's wished. Though there have been times that she's failed, he keeps her focus off the failure and towards how he wishes things to be done. Merely keep on with what she is trying to learn. Practice, keep at it, keep her mind on the game.

And somehow, it's all coming together.

shayla