Metamorphosis

As time goes by, more frequently shayla comes across small interactions that both stun her and leave her tickled and flattered. For example, last night, a gentleman that normally only sees her in 'work mode' happened to see her as she was out on her Master's bike.

'Wow, where're you going so slick & pretty tonight?', he asked.

Shayla wasn't exactly dolled up, just a t-shirt and pair of jeans, hair down. And again today, on the way home from the grocery store on the bike. Same type clothes & so forth, but recieved an appreciative whistle as she rode past a gentleman walking through the parking lot. Both last night and today, she was the recipient of more than one look by men as she went about her business. Such little things are happening more often.

It's been literally years since shayla was taken note of in such a manner, and then only rarely. Then, such actions badly frightened and confused shayla. She was unable to understand the motivation behind it, and could only feel that she was in a dangerous situation. Looking back, she knows that much of her reaction was a direct result of societal conditioning, coupled with a learned dread of being noticed.

Now, though? She is not the same woman she was, even three months ago when she came to her Master. How much has she changed on the outside, appearance-wise? She really doesn't know. Shayla looks in the mirror and sees the same person that's always been there, a bit more relaxed, smaller than she was, perhaps a bit nicer-looking, but still the same. And she's got no idea how visible the increased confidence, calmness, and self-assurance are. Such things are, in shayla's experience, impossible for a person to tell for themselves. Much like viewing a forest in its entirety when you're in the middle of it.

Whatever the reason for them, she now takes these looks, compliments, and such as evidence that the effort she has been putting forth has been working. All the time she senses her improvement, her Master's increased pleasure with her even as she senses his hold on her tightening as a result of that growth. For as she grows in her service, his expectations of her grow with it. Master has mentioned to shayla more than once that "....to take a girl, crush all the doubts she has, burn away the Earth girl, refine her to become a kajira, would be to create a living work of art."

Quite clearly, that is what is happening. One stroke of the brush, one blow of the chisel at a time. It's astounding to shayla, witnessing this transformation.

shayla

Trust

Dictionary.com gives the following definition...

trust (trst)n.

1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

It'd be nice if it was that simple, wouldn't it? To just have firm reliance on a person. In theory it's very easy to trust someone. Then reality rears its ugly head and a person needs to take a step back. We all know that trust in a person must be earned. It takes time, a foundation of shared experience, consistency, to trust someone.

Shayla has never been one to trust easily. Too many times let down, hurt, damaged in one way or another to. She is extremely cautious in how much of herself she shows a person, how far she'll let them in. Observes their actions with not only her, but the people around them, tests them. Not in the traditional sense when a slave is spoken of as testing, but simply paying close attention to what a person does, what happens as a result of their decisions.

It was much that way with her Master at first. Observing him carefully for any red flags. Paying close attention to what he said and how well he followed through. As time went on and she trusted in him more, something began to change. He continued to train her and the need she felt to obey began to match with her trust in him. After a while each became just as intense as the other. And she began to have faith in him. Shayla'll not start a discussion about faith vs. trust. That's another topic altogether. But here she is, having faith in someone for the first time. There's much that Master has planned for her that shayla does not know about, things he's wanting that she is not fully comfortable with. Things that shayla is not familiar with, does not have much knowledge of, have the recourses for. But he does.

So she trusts in, has faith in, the fact that he has planned, has plans for, things. And that he will be continuing to care for her and keep her best interests in mind, even though the way he may do things aren't the way she would.

For shayla, this is the most astounding part of the relationship. That she's become able to trust and have faith in a person to the degree she does. Is she all the way there yet? Probably not, but she's farther along than she's ever been.

shayla

Pubs & Corsets

Occasionally Master'll pull something out of his hat that throws shayla for a loop. Today was one of those days.

She'd just gotten back from her walk, and was preparing to do the rest of her exercises. Master had left for work earlier in the day and she really wasn't expecting him to walk into the door as he did.

'You just got back from your walk? Good, go take a shower, make it the fastest one in your life'

And off she goes into the shower. Gets out as quickly, makes sure her make-up is adequate. Master directs her in what he wants her to wear. Including her corset. No shirt, just the corset. She's allowed to wear her leather jacket but is told to leave the collar.

Shayla had no idea where Master is taking her until we reached a near-by pub. Not to meet with anyone, but simply to have lunch together. Master'd brought a paper along to read as well. A nice, simple lunch, just the two of us, a treat, Master said. Until he begins to caress the inside of her thigh while we're sitting at the bar. A little later, warns her to silence an instant before giving her the command to orgasm. Months ago, Master'd trained shayla to climax on command. At this stage in her service to him she's on a hair trigger. Regardless of where she is or what's happening, one word is all it takes to bring her to orgasm. This is shortly followed by Master beginning to toy with her nipples. Turns out that newspapers make very convenient shields.

Now, this was a first for shayla. While she was not uncomfortable or distressed, she still was uncertain how to react or what to think. Nor could she figure out (and still can't) why she was enjoying it. Master spoke to her some, abouthis feelings towards shayla being his kajira, and how he feels about her level of submission to him. How shayla felt about what was happening to her at the time. Regardless of what is it Master is wanting of her, he seems to pay close attention to her emotions and what she is feeling at any given time. Something shayla has always appreciated.

After lunch, while leaving the pub, Master stopped shayla in the entry and proceeds to readjust the corset so her nipples are showing, then pulled the edges of her jacket back. This one, who's never so much as flashed a person, got her first experience of walking across a parking lot with her breasts almost completely exposed, nipples getting their first sight of the sun. All during the short drive home Master toyed with her breasts. Which caused shayla to be even more heated. Then out of the truck for another bared trip outside from the truck to the front door.

This little lunch & display were totally unexpected and shayla had a lot of different feelings running through her. Surprise at what he was doing, a thought or two about little things like passing perverts & indecency laws, tickets, & fines; uncertainty as to how to react, and strangely enough, a tiny sense of pride for some reason. Shayla almost felt as though she'd been shown off. Looking back at the episode 10 hours later, she finds that she rather enjoyed it to some extent. Quite the surprise there, considering how much of an introvert shayla's been all her life.

To those of you reading this that are breathlessly anticipating 'what happened next', she has to disappoint you. Upon returning home, shayla had just enough time to change clothes & head to work. There are times she hates her supervisor. This afternoon was *certainly* one of those times.

'Simmer, girl, and be proud that you can, most women never do' is likely what her Master would say in response to her low-level frustration at work all evening. So she stews and bubbles on the back burner, never completely cool.

shayla

"Obey"

Marcus: But you didn't really delve into the one thing I'd like to hear... why do you think that you are kj (by my definition) - what is it in you that makes pleasing me supercede any of your other wants, needs, and preferences?
shayla: You...she does not know, Master...she only knows that You touch something, make something in her flame...that nobody else has touched in the same way, Master..not ever to this extent...she...cannot reject it, couldn't resist it no matter how she tried, Master
shayla: and she doesn't even want to, Master
Marcus: So you jump into the fire... and burn.
shayla: it is....liberating, in a way that she never imagined possible, Master
shayla: You..Master...
shayla: do not have the words, Master
Marcus: Try.
shayla: she can...she can be, Master..what she is...
Marcus: and what are you, woman?
shayla: and here You have seen her at her worst and at her most suspicious and questioning..and You just let her be, Master...You Master her.. in a way that touches every part of her and causes her to want Your pleasure with her no matter what
shayla: she is kajira, Master...nothing else...
shayla: she is other than submissive, Master..she is...kajira
shayla: she is Your slave, Master, Your kajira
Marcus: Damn straight.
Marcus: I wonder how well you will remember that when I want something, and you're tired, or not in the mood, etc.

There are a lot of powerful things in this part of our talks, but the one shayla is focusing on now is Master's last statement.

The past three months have not been easy on her. Essentially shayla is having to re-learn things that she has known, discovering things that she's either not known about or had no chance to learn. As Master's previous post indicates, shayla's one to be impatient with herself. She wants, hungers to learn, but often she is unable to grasp or master what it is that her Master is trying to teach her. Just because she is owned does not mean that all the normal human emotions are pared down to the positive ones. She still, and always will, get angry, discouraged, have lazy fits, and so forth. There have been times that Master's been away at his job and shayla is extremely tempted to cop out, skip her daily workout. She may be tired, sore, or it could be raining outside. Or she simply isn't in the mood for it. Times when he Master wakes her to serve in one form or another. When she's angry at herself or him (though, in retrospect, she's never been justifiably angry at him, merely emoting at that time). Or when she's really like to binge on some cheese or chocolate, just for the fun of it.

What stops her from doing so is the simple fact that her Master'd not be pleased if she indulged in such a way. It would be wrong in a number of ways, not the least of which is the level, or lack thereof, of commitment she displays in her service and his pleasure. There are times that shayla does not understand her Master's motivation for a certain choice for his girl. She restrains her curious side and simply obeys.

In her obedience and submission to him, though, she has come to discover her own level of satisfaction in what she's done in obeying. A sense of pride, almost, in that, despite her wanting to slack in something, she has seen to it that she completed the task as wished. Not once has she wished she'd not obeyed. Whether that be put 100% of what she is capable of in the exercises that her Master's taught her and wishes her to do daily or reject, for the 3rd time, the ice cream that a co-worker offers her.

It rather goes back to the mind-set of, 'you can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?'. Shayla asked her Master if her performance in this facet has been acceptable. His response, 'I have no complaints', is all she needs to know that she's doing alright in that aspect of her service to him. So long as he is happy with her, she is as well.

shayla

Money

Most Gorean relationships shayla is familiar with have one thing in common regarding money. It's all the Master's. It's the same principle that applies to the rest of the relationship, what belongs to the slave belongs to the Master.

Shayla has, in the past, been the one to hold the purse-strings. She has never been miserly, but she has been frugal. Often she has gone without so that those around her have what they need. As a result of her previous life she is very concientious of what she does with the money she's allowed access to in her slavery. Foremost in her mind is the fact that the money she handles is not hers. Her Master allows her a job out of the home. It allows her to fill her time and assist in contributing to the finances of the household. Though her Master does not actually require the money her efforts bring in.

For her, it is a situation that she still is adapting to. Her Master is one of the few men in her experience that is both good with money and cautious in his spending. He does not discourage shayla from asking for what she needs. In fact, he actually encourages it. It's shayla who keeps herself from asking, out of concern for requesting too much or abusing the priviledge. And there have been occasions when shayla has asked how her Master wishes her to use the funds from her paycheck, which bills, groceries, and so forth. His response continues to give her pause. 'It's all coming out of the same pot, dear.' A good example of the context in which he is thinking. For shayla, it is something she continues to get used to. Adapting to both ideas; that the money she earns is not at her disposal, and that her needs will be met with no chiding about the fact that she is asking for it.

shayla

Comfortable Formality

In all Master/slave pairings, there is an expected (though varied) amount of formality expected of a girl to her Master. It's only proper, given the relative status and responsibility a Master has to his girl. He provides for and protects his property, sees to it that her needs are met, any on-going training there may be to manage. The girl, after all, is owned by the man. He is not an equal, but a superior. So the girl should, no, is obligated to be deferential and respectful to him. Most of the girls shayla knows have a great desire to show their Master the level of respect they have for him.

Certain positions to be assumed around the Master's presence, mode of speech, how the Master wishes her to position herself while speaking to him or receiving instruction. Shayla's Master, in many cases, wishes her to be either kneeling or on her belly while she is speaking to him. The head to the floor when Master enters is another example of how he wishes her to position herself. The 3rd person speech is a great help to shayla, as it reminds her with each sentence of hers what she is in relation to her Master. It has restrained her from a great deal of her Master's displeasure of her habit of teasing (something she is still working on). Though, at 3 months, shayla is still quite new to her service. It could very well be that in a year she would not need such a tool to remind her to be deferential. For now, at this stage of shayla's training, there is a great deal that she must continually keep at the forefront of thought. Her focus on keeping in mind all that her Master has dictated so far, integrating it into habit so that it is second nature, occasionally causes her to be more formal, less relaxed, than what she could be.

What is common and accepted in many vanilla relationships is discouraged or taboo in a Master/slave relationship. Look at any vanilla relationship and you'll see a great deal of banter on each side's part. The occasional practical joke, good-natured name-calling or back-talk. None of which is motivated from dis-respect or intended rudeness. More along the lines of a type of play between two people who are comfortable and confident in their intimacy with each other. In a vanilla relationship, it's harmless and displays the closeness the two have.

A slave does not have that right to behave in such a manner to her Master, though. Shayla made a similar mistake. Master had commented that a certain thing drove him crazy, and shayla replied, "well, at least it's not a long trip". Master and shayla had been joking and laughing with each other the previous moment, and in an instant upon that statement her Master's whole demeanor changed. Insolent, disrepectful, and unworthy of a slave. A friend of shayla's once said 'there's no backspace key in the living room.' Truer words were never said. The whole recollection of her error and the correction given to her still brings a chill of dread down her spine, weeks later. Master knew her action did not stem from a desire to be insolent, but out of playfulness. It was still far out of line, though.

A girl needs to find a balance between being respectfully formal with her Master, while still being herself and relaxed. Shayla's Master seems to enjoy her playful, creative side. So at the same time she is making an effort to be properly respectful, she is also learning the ways in which she can let that part of her come out, while displaying a level of formality. It's something that shayla strives for continually, this balance. Sometimes she succeeds, sometimes not, though she seems to be improving. It's another way of growth in her Master's service.

shayla

Molding

Often there is mention of a Master 'molding', 'shaping' his girl. An on-going process that, shayla's certain, takes as great an effort on the Master's part as it is on the girl's part. Master's doing this right now with shayla. Changing her exercise habits, eating patterns, mode of dress. It's more getting into the girl's head and re-shaping her thought process than just the external display of those thoughts.

It's no May-time pony ride on the slave's part, either. Basically, it's simple; obey your Master in all things. In doing so the girl's an active participant in her re-making. Learning how the Master is expecting those dictates to be obeyed. Master and shayla come from radically different backgrounds and lifestyles. So when Master tells her to do something, he's meaning in the context with which he's familiar. Shayla, on the other hand, often interprets those orders in the context of thought *she* is used to.

Please, don't get this girl wrong. She takes every command and desire of her Master's to heart, and obeys him to the best of her ability. But she has learned that her interpretation of his wishes does not always accurately reflect what he's intending. More than once this combination of varying contexts in things has caused shayla tears of frustration. And tries hard to be patient with herself in her development even as she pushes herself to improve for him. She asks questions, trying to get a more precise idea of what it is he wants. In the meantime, she continues to pay attention to what it is he's wanting, how he wishes things to be done. And she is being held to a level of discipline that she's never heard of, much less encountered, in her previous life. Being owned by a Marine will do that to a girl, it seems. But she is not at all discontent. The firmer he is on her, the better she does and the more she grows and is pleasing to him.

In the past she's lived by a very 'you do it your way, i'll do it mine' mentality. A disasterous way of thinking for her or any other kajira who is under a Master's hand. The girl must continually think from the perspective of what it is her Master is wanting of her. This is an area that shayla's stubborn streak is steered towards more productive measures. From her will and ways of doing things to focus on doing everything in her power to learn and succeed in what he's wishing of her. Continuing to strive for and achieve his satisfaction in her improvement in service to him.

All this takes place in the form of guidance and correction on the Master's part; transparency and attentiveness on the slave's part. A word here, an explanation there, occasionally more firm methods are needed to get the girl's focus back on what it should be. Which shayla does her utmost to avoid, as it's not pleasant for either Master or herself. Time that could be better spent on more pleasant aspects of the relationship *G*. It seems to shayla that a Master truly needs to get to know his girl well to accomplish this. Find out how she thinks. As well as the slave learning how the Master thinks.

Often shayla has felt that she is being re-made, taken apart and restructured. Which is exactly what is happening. There's occasionally a sense of disorientation as she feels the changes in her. Almost as if she's becoming someone else. In a way, she is. She's becoming more herself. Someone that's been hidden away for years, that Master says he sees glimpses of occasionally. Shayla looks forward to the times when he sees that person. It means that she is moving in the right direction.

shayla