Doormat?

Master has a friend that's no little shocked, appalled beyond belief, actually, at not only the level of shayla's service to him, but her acceptance of it. He has offered, more than once, to let this lady speak to shayla. This way assisting in dispelling any thoughts that shayla is a fool or stupid to lay down so easily. She has refused each and every one of them, preferring to hold to her opinions regarding shayla's surrender to her Master without the benefit of interacting with the key facet of her belief. It's something that shayla's heard of, but this is her first actual experience with such a thing.

There is the general mindset of the inattentive or ignorant that a girl who surrenders to a man on his terms as his slave is weak; has low self-esteem or is weak-minded; is unable to stand on her own two feet; is stupid or uneducated, maybe even lazy and wanting someone to support her. Shayla's never once actually seen or heard of any evidence of this. Quite the contrary, nothing could be further from the truth.

Each personal web-site or blog of every girl she's encountered all have the same thing in common. The girls behind the sites are intelligent, self-reliant, confident women. They are strong-minded and willed, resourceful, educated, and very smart. They have to be. Consensual slavery of this degree is not for the stupid or weak. That type of woman simply would be unable to deal with the magnitude of what she is doing. Shayla believes that such a woman would be ruined by entering in to such an arrangement.

Why? Numerous reasons. Again, the shayla's slavery is consensually non-consensual. From the minute she walked into her Master's door, she has had no authority, no say or power. Her Master has, from the beginning, been training her in how he wishes her to be. All his preferences in her speech, movements, activities, even eating habits. One of the reasons things have gone so well so far is due to shayla's intelligence and strength, her ability to adapt, to absorb what her Master is teaching her. She has had to remember his edicts, discipline herself to obey him to the fullest extent possible, even when he's not around.

There are a number of things that shayla faces on a daily basis that are a clear reflection of how far she has to come yet. Her level of fitness, weight loss, learning how her Master wishes her to move, speak, etc. If she had poor self-esteem or low self-worth, exposed to the same level of training or discipline she is, she would have thrown up her hands and quit by now, convinced that she'd never be able to do what it was he wished, that she was worthless and a failure. Were she stupid or not intelligent, she'd not have come as far as she has. She would be unable to progress in her training as far as she has. And both her Master and her would be absolutely miserable. If she were to want to be supported out of laziness, a person that lives off others, her Master would have caught onto the signals of that, and this blog wouldn't even exist, because the relationship wouldn't exist.

Again, Master is gentle and patient with her, but still pushes her as much as she can handle. It takes a certain amount of effort on her part to keep in mind the why's of this. That he is having her do all these things to improve her. To teach her and allow her the opprotunity for growth. It's all as much for her personal growth as it is for his service and pleasing him. There are a number of things shayla does daily that she doesn't want to do. She does them, she sees to it she does so. And the fact that she does attests to her strength of will, self-discipline, intelligence. There is also her level of understanding as to the why's of her Master's dictates. There are some things that Master has decided regarding shayla that he's not explained the why's to her. Of course, he's not had to. Firstly, because she is his property, and he isn't obligated to explain himself to what belongs to him. Secondly, he knows that she will either figure it out for herself, or will obey and follow his wishes without the benefit of understanding why. Simply having the faith that his reasons are sound.

Is shayla unable to stand on her own two feet? to support herself in this world? Certainly not. Her skills are universally marketable. She would never have difficulty in finding employment, friends, maintaining a home and life for herself. Which is, to her, one of the joys of this enslavement of hers. She doesn't have to do any of this, really. She could beg release of her Master and receive it. Instinct, desire to please, his pursuit of her, all are there though, all irresistible for her. She tried. It didn't work. Because there is something in her that increases, improves her, by being his property. So at the same time she would be her own woman by being free, she is more herself by Master's owning of her. In the past three months she has been more herself than in the previous 33 years. In being his rightless slave, with no authority, she has been freer than she has ever been.

Shayla knows to a great extent what she is capable of. She knows that while her Master is firm on her, it's for very good reasons. And while she does not have any authority as to what takes place, her Master allows her to express herself. Respectfully, properly, with deference to him as her Owner, but still honestly and thoroughly. She makes use of those times wisely.

It takes many things on a girl's part to be someone's slave. A stupid, weak woman would not have the strength to thrive under her Master's firm hand as shayla is. A woman that does not wish to do her part in a relationship such as this would quickly be released, as her Master would know what she was about. A true Master would not tolerate such a thing. And while shayla knows that she does not have final word, she does know that her Master listens to her. By listening she means he takes into account her feelings and thoughts on matters.

And there have been times that shayla's begged to speak freely, so that she would have the opprotunity to fully express herself on a subject. To express her feelings, thoughts and preferences. She is smart enough, though, to know that simply because her Master allows her to express these, that he will not necessarily allow them. Such a thing, to express what it is you want, prefer, would like to happen, knowing that it is only someone else's whim that will either allow or disallow it, takes courage, strength, and intelligence. There are any number of women in the world that would be unable to do so.

And that, to shayla, is all she needs to know that a kajira, subject to her Master's whim and all his dictates, is a very strong person, full of character and life.

Doormats need not apply.

shayla

Steel

shayla: irish to the core...have mercy

Marcus: No.

Marcus: You don't really want mercy. You want to be held to the highest possible standard, the strictest control, the deepest loving subjugation, don't you?

shayla: what i want & what i can have are two entirely different things.

Marcus: That was a yes or no question.

shayla: but..yes...would be wonderful, in many ways...but.....

Marcus: Then quit worrying about how to make that happen.

So, we're comfortable with each other, enjoy each other's company, and this is a very peaceful household. Does this mean that shayla's not subject to him? Not in the least. There is no question as to whom has the control in this relationship. It's obvious from the inside, obvious as well to the casual observer, if he/she chose to observe. Over the past months shayla has become very sensitive to her Master's moods and wishes. Her desire to please him, which as always been there, has increased considerably.

Does she fear harm from him? The switch? Is she unable to leave for some reason outside her control?

No, Master's not once harmed her, nor will he. Yes, she fears her Master's switch, but not for the seemingly obvious reason. And she can leave whenever she wishes, were she ever that unhappy as to walk out of something she's put so much into. Though she can't even imagine that happening.

She does, however fear him, though not in the traditional sense. She fears his displeasure and disappointment. She fears that she will not be sufficiently pleasing to the one she belongs to. And that is the extent of it. Master has expectations of his girl, high ones. In her service, commitment, level of submission. He expects her to do her best in her obedience. So long as she is striving to improve, that improvement is being made, he has no real objections. He knows her fears, her strengths and weaknesses, how her mind and thoughts work. Master is literally the most intelligent, perceptive person she's ever come across. Not once has an expression come across her face that he's not only understood, but understood the thinking behind the face. She's never successfully hidden anything from him.

There are those girls that try to have their way in things. Either wheedle or manipulate their Master to have their way in something. Choose which ways they obey or follow their Master's edicts. For them, that's fine. And if their Master tolerates such things, then it's even with his tactic approval.

Shayla does not have that 'luxury'. When she entered into this relationship she knew the level of service that would be expected of her. And as time goes by, the tighter his hold on her grows, the higher his expectations.

Master is patient with her, gentle in many ways, even. He pays close attention to her thoughts and feelings. Giving her time to express herself in what she feels about what he is wishing her to do, letting her work through it. While he does all this, though, there is still the undeniable fact that he is the one driving. That she *will* obey. There have been occasions when shayla has tried to evade a command of his, to put it off due to her reluctance to do what it is he is wishing. There are no longer those occurances. Such actions have been met head-on with his disappointment and correction.

A word or look often is all it takes to alert shayla that she is in error. She tries to ensure that he does not feel the need for further action. But she is only human, she has her weak points, and she has been handed a lot of things to learn and perform. Much of this is still very new to her. And it's only been 3 months. There are occasions when she's messed up more seriously than what a look or word warrants.

Master mentioned the switch in his earlier posting. While the switch is not pleasant on the receiving end, far worse for shayla are the words of correction that come with it. Derogatory? No. Insulting or demeaning? Not in the least. No emotional blackmail. Very pointed, very accurate, though, is what he says. No switching received yet meets the unspeakable remorse and shame shayla has when he tells her that he is disappointed in her, or that shayla is better than such actions that brought her the punishment. Because she knows he is right in his correction.

While he is very firm on her during these times, there is always an undertone of caring and encouragement. He *wants* shayla to succeed in her service to him. Such corrections always leave shayla feeling as if she's been handed a tool. One to be used to learn, improve, gain in her self-discipline. Were he not to care so much about her behavior and level of service, he'd not correct her so firmly.

As time goes on, she can see the improvement in her service to him. The tasks he has assigned her over this time have helped her in a number of ways. Her fitness, health, self-confidence, and grace. She is happier, more relaxed, more assertive. One of the main reasons for this is his strength with her. How firm and exacting he is with his slave. Were he not as strong with her as he is, she'd not be the woman she is right now. And she's coming to love that woman more all the time.

shayla

A Day in the Life

Master mentioned in his previous posting our life here, the ordinariness of it in a great many ways. A friend of shayla's has asked about whips and chains and so forth since she's been here. He's still in the Northwest, has never met Master. He was friends with shayla when she was preparing to come down. She surprised him when she said that Master's not got a whip, nor has he physically restrained her in any manner.

She sleeps at her Master's feet. There are times when Master's job requires him to be away at nights. For shayla, it's strange, not having a pair of feet to curl around and keep warm at night during those times. When he's here, she wakes him in the manner he wishes. It is at least as enjoyable for shayla as it is for her Owner, making he way up from his feet to the general area of his waist. After a time, she is allowed to lay with him, head at his hip. For her, this is one of the more enjoyable times of the morning. When he is ready, she begins his shower for him and sets out the clothes he'll need for work. She makes the beds as he is showering and dressing, then prepares his breakfast. Shayla, normally, does not eat until he has.

After her Master has left, if she hasn't already (as there are times she'll get an hour's walk in before wakening him), she takes her walk and performs her exercises. A shower, time taken to eat something. There are days that she goes to a near-by tanning salon for a session. Shayla is the very light tone of her northwestern European ancestry, so tanning helps with combating the lightness of her skin. She returns home, and sees to the household chores, running an errand or two as needed. At the times that she is not working in the afternoons, when her Master is on his way home, he calls her to let her know he is a short time away. She uses this time to ensure that she is prepared for her Master's return, an item or two picked up and put into its place. When he walks into the door, she is already kneeling near the entrance, and puts her head to the floor, hands resting on the carpet on either side. She remains there until he speaks to her, sometimes talking as she kneels in her place, sometimes rising to put away anything he may have brought inside with him.

He likes a beer (Texan men like their beer, it would seem) when he returns to his home, which she prepares when he's ready for it. As he catches up on his day's e-mail, she normally is at his feet, kneeling or on her belly. We talk about the day's events, thoughts on what has happened. Things that need to be done, questions asked about how he may wish something done or, on his part, what she has done that day. Dinner is usually later in the evening, except in the event that he'd had a late lunch and isn't wishing for a meal. Master is a light eater. Again, shayla waits until he is eating before she begins to. When the meal is finished, she puts things away, finishes the dishes, and does any other needed task before she returns to her Master's feet. Normally she is either on her belly, head resting on his feet, or kneeling, her head in his lap. You'd think that we'd be talking, but normally we do not. It seems that each other's company is enough. While there have been times that shayla has wished to speak of something, or ask about her Master's preference for something, it seems as though, at these times, such discussion would ruin the mood. Master and shayla both seem to not need much conversation between each other. She would not speak for her Master, but she simply enjoys being with him, his company, being at his feet and whim. So much of the time we're together, we do not engage in what would be considered lively conversation. Though, the time spent is very intimate, close, and relaxed. It seems to shayla that a great deal goes on between the two of us during these silent times.

Master often, in the later hours, will leave the computer to shayla while he watches a little TV. It is this time that shayla writes in her journal, prepares an entry for the blog, does what she may need to on the computer. When it is near the time that Master would go to bed, shayla prepares the beds, sees to it that any stray dishes are put in their place, and resumes her place in her bed at his feet. A little more discussion, perhaps, takes place. Often shayla will fall asleep as her Master watches something on the TV.

Ordinary and simple, in many ways. There is, however, little to no strain between us. Each of us knows and enjoys our place in this relationship. Each is happier due to the other being what they are. What little strain there is is quickly dealt with. Honestly, patiently, thoroughly. On both our parts, and to the benefit of each.

Very enjoyable, healthy, and un-strained, this life we have with each other.

shayla

Rain

"Marcus: shayla, time for you to realize if you haven't already...I'll do *whatever* it takes to keep you as perfect as a kajira can be in your collar.

shayla: she knows, Master, she has no doubt of it.

Marcus: Remember that when my discipline starts raining down on you like a storm that beats limbs off the trees. Do you understand how I mean the word discipline here? It occurs to me that I do not intend it in it's most common definition. Discipline comes from the same Latin root as disciple, a student. As in an academic discipline.

So, as in when my teaching, my training rains down on you, not just my punishment, remember what it is for, and that I do it only because I care about you. Did I not, when you were displeasing, I'd just kick you to the curb."

When Master said that to shayla, months ago, she had no idea of just how much he meant that. From the time she arrived at his home, he has been training her in his service. From how he likes his food cooked to the way she walks and speaks. There are any number of things she has already learned, more that she is in the process of mastering, still others, she knows, that Master's not even mentioned yet.

At times, it's a bit overwhelming. Master will introduce her to one thing, and she'll learn it, integrate it into her behavior. Sometimes more successfully than others. But always working towards the level of acheivement that he wishes. And no sooner does she master that task than he introduces something else for her to learn. Occasionally, when introduced to a new task, she somehow loses her finesse at a previous item he's trained her on. Focusing so intently on learning what he's introducing that previous learnings slip. In some ways shayla is harder, more driving on herself than her Master is. Because she knows what he is trying to do, what he is attempting to have her learn. And she wants to learn it, to be successful at it. Behind all this, motivating her, is her deep desire to please him.

Why all this desire to please? What does she do all this for? Shayla had written a post some months ago for a discussion board that seems to answer those questions well...

"Why serve? Because there is a need in a slave. It is there in each natural slave, and the drive to serve in her is irresistible.
The drive, the need, to serve and to please, shayla believes, is not something that is learned, it is something that is naturally a part of a girl. The girl perhaps cannot even verbalize what it is that she is feeling. She only knows that for some inexplicable reason, she needs to serve and be pleasing. Not for what she can gain, not out of a feeling of obligation or that she owes it to a person, but because she cannot help but serve. For her, it is as necessary as breathing. Add to that the response, the showing by others that she has been pleasing, and the desire and need increase ten-fold. The need is simply there...to do for others...for the simple, deeply visceral joy of giving of one's self whole-heartedly, and the equally potent knowledge that her efforts have caused one to be pleased with her."

This in no way means that all this learning and re-learning is *easy*, quite the contrary. She is re-establishing habits that have been long in the usage, making them something else. A good deal of what he is teaching her is also completely new to shayla. Either she's not encountered it, or, more often, not had an opprotunity to learn it as she's wanted. For much of what he is teaching her and wanting her to learn, she's always wanted to learn. But, for one reason or another, did not have the chance, could not make the opprotunity to learn it.

And there are always the times that, despite her efforts, she does not succeed in something as well as she or her Master would like to. Frustrating, to say the least, given how much she wants to succeed. Though Master's given her some insight on that facet as well. Mentioned to her that, to reach the level of capability she is wanting, she must go through the various times she doesn't succeed. Move through them and towards where she wants to be. A very helpful way of looking at it, shayla believes.

So she keeps at it, keeps learning and pushing herself. Working on not letting her errors and mistakes get to her. Focusing on doing what she is learning, stopping when she stalls.

All a journey, all lessons to be learned. Baby steps towards where her Master and her both wish her to be. Let it pour.

shayla

Her Public Self

One of the things that shayla is adapting to is her existence as kajira in the mundane world.

Behind the door of her Master's home, it is relatively easy. She is surrounded by reminders of what she is, simply be being surrounded by her Master's things. Of course, the collar on her neck is continually there. In her Master's home it is simpler to maintain the demeanor appropriate to her position.

In the mundane world and at work, it's a different matter. She is surrounded by today's society and all its quirks. Co-workers that encourage her to eat things she shouldn't, participate in discussions and banter that display a lack of regard that would be inappropriate for shayla to show. Shayla works with the public on a regular basis, and she is exposed to and interacts with any number of people that are open, friendly, flirtatious. Even as simple as a casual conversation struck up at the store, shayla encounters the same type of people. They're easy to like, easy to speak with. But at the same time, the interaction is similar to one of equals. The banter they share with shayla is laden with thoughts and comments that she must tread carefully with. Were she to join it with too little care, it would color her mind-set. Steering it towards mundane thinking and away from that of an owned girl.

The people she interacts with away from her Master's home are also something profoundly different from shayla. They are free; directly opposite that which shayla is, an owned, fully Mastered slave. Are they aware that they are free? Probably not, unfortunately. But shayla knows it. Her Master also knows it and expects a certain level of behavior and deference from her towards them because of it.

It's not easy. Much of the banter is the type that shayla, in her previous life, would have easily joined into and enjoyed. It's not her previous life that she's living, though. It's the one she's living now, under her Master's hand and will. At the same time she is growing and thriving, she is also still in the process of departing from the habits and ways of her old life. It is something she is becoming more and more aware of at the times she is away from her Master. She is still slave, still a reflection of him and his training. It is still her duty to him to behave as such when he is not around.

shayla