More

The longer shayla is here, the more she learns about herself. She's always known that she's capable of a great deal, but she's never been pushed and encouraged as her Master does. And he doesn't do it in a harsh manner, either. A mild comment, a question about how she does something, a suggestion occasionally. She's learned that these are not criticisms, but his gentle steering her in the direction he wants her to go. There have been times that he's been firmer than that, but even then, always encouraging.

And there have been times that it's been harder on her. When he's had her repeat the same thing time after time until it was done correctly. The day he took her through the exercises he wanted her to begin comes to mind. She was in tears, limbs trembling, as he stood with her and kept on pushing her for just one more repetition, until she was literally unable to continue, even when nudged by the switch. Then on to the next one. By the end of that session it was all she could do to stand straight, let alone walk with the grace he's been having her learn. And the remainder of the day her entire body was unsteady and aching. The next day, she performed the same exercises, and the next. As time went on she was able to do them with more grace and control, less strain and upset. At this time, she is amazed at herself that she is able to do the level of exercises she is.

There have been any number of instances like that. When she is asked to do something that she can not imagine herself doing. Obeying him in things she'd never imagined she'd be able to do. Sometimes she performs better than others. She keeps at it, keeps trying to obey him as fully as she knows how. And she knows that there are times that she's not done or learned something as well as he'd like her to. She greatly dislikes those times, knowing her best at that stage was less than satisfactory. She keeps striving to please him fully. Unrealistic, yes. But it is what she strives for.

As time goes by and her Master is more familiar with how she reacts, learns, absorbs things, the better and firmer his control over her learning process goes. She becomes more capable of understanding what it is he's expecting of her. More able to push past the uncertainty and get in and do what it is he's wishing of her. And if there's one thing that has always immobilized shayla, it's uncertainty in an act. Not knowing precisely what, how to do something, if she has been unable to find out how, she has normally frozen. Though she still tried to find out a way, find a resource, to gain some knowledge so she can perform that particular task. Now she is better at moving into the task, getting in and doing it, and trusting that he will guide her if/when it is needed. Though it's still often when :-)

At this stage, she is astounded at the development in herself that has taken place. So much of what she's doing now she'd not dreamed herself capable of 4 months ago. It's not been easy. There have been times that she's feared her Master would be disgusted with her and her performance. When, after a particularly hard time doing something, he's asked her how she felt and all she could say was 'worthless'. When she's been certain that he'd decide she wasn't worth keeping or training.

At those times she keeps in mind his viewpoint. She's only been here 3 months, and she's no longer the same person that walked into his door. A great deal of progress has already been made. As she progresses, he becomes more pleased with her. It adds fuel to her determination to succeed in what he's wanting of her. Confidence that she'll be able to do a task when he introduces something new to her.

Baby steps, all baby steps. And each one brings her further along.

shayla

Transformation

Remember this from the other day?

"During the conversation Master and shayla had last night, he brought up the fact that he was glad she did not work Thursday. He's got something in mind that day and will not tell shayla what it is. Said that she'd enjoy it, after she recovered.

Recover???

Recover from what, she's wondering."

Well, she found out.

This morning, after she'd gotten back from her walk and started on her exercises, Master told her to just get right into the shower, wait 'til this evening to do the exercises. Things rarely warrant a delay in shayla doing her exercises, so she knew something important was up. Shayla kept her curiosity in check and went about her business around the house. A while later, while he was running an errand, he called her. After telling her what he wanted her to wear, he told her to be ready when he got there in about 7 minutes. Five and a half minutes later she's ready, doing her best to remain calm. Nothing's worse for shayla than knowing that something's about to happen to her, but having no notion of what it may be. And he knows it. He seems to love surprising her.

About 5 minutes before we arrive, Master lays down the ground rules...

#1, don't faint...
#2, don't you dare cry....

Simple, no? Yikes. By now her mind's going faster than the truck was. All she could think was, "don't faint or cry? what are you going to do to me????"

So she stayed calm and resisted the urge to ask questions incessantly. It helped tremendously that she knows she'll not ever come to harm in her obedience to him. But she was still aprehensive.

A little later he pulls into a parking lot and parks the truck. We'd arrived at a salon and spa. A very high-end salon and spa. The type that shayla'd never have the courage to walk into on her own. But, Himself leads her into the door like he owned the place. Shayla held onto her jaw as she walked in, so it wouldn't drop onto the floor & scratch it. A quick word or two to the receptionist and the stylist comes out to greet Master and shayla. Once settled into the chair at the stylist's station, shayla sat while they spoke to each other, the stylist running her fingers through shayla's hair, asking Master questions and making suggestions. They come to a plan of action, then Master leaves her in charge of shayla.

Cut and color, followed by a waxing and make-up. The people there were wonderful, putting shayla at ease rather quickly. In a short time shayla was able to relax and enjoy the conversation as much as the activity. Four hours later, she didn't recognize the beauty that looked back at her in the mirror. The changes were subtly obvious, stunning. And she'd only been near tears from gratitude 6 or 10 times, or more. Though not one made an appearance.

Her Master'd ran some errands while shayla was being worked upon, and returned for her a short time before she was done. It took shayla a minute to get started walking down that hall and present herself to him, she was so nervy. The stylist, bless her, came with shayla and got Master's attention. He's a reader, and was sunk deeply into a magazine. Shayla doubts he even heard us walking up to him. It was worth the nerviness and uncertainty of being in such a place when he looked up, though. Shayla found there's something very nice about seeing a man's eyes widen as he looks at a woman that's familiar, but greatly improved. Very nice indeed.

When we got home, the first thing Master did was pick up his camera. Has shayla ever mentioned that she's phobic about cameras and having her picture taken? She loathes it with a passion. Which makes shayla's recently developing subtle desire that he would photograph her very puzzling. Back outside for a couple pictures, and then in once more. But he wasn't done yet. Shayla was instructed to remove all but the corset, and put on her fish-net stockings and black spike heels. More pictures followed. Shayla got the impression that he was enjoying himself.

He wasn't able to stay long. He had things to do, and he worked that night. So shayla wouldn't be seeing him 'til morning. As he was headed out the door he stood over shayla while she was standing nearby & hovered over her lips. It made her own lips itch, feeling his so close & knowing she was not to try kissing him. He tortured her for a couple more seconds like that, then kissed her really close to each side of the mouth before he was out the door. She had to go to her knees afterwards, her legs were that unsteady. Frustrating, to say the least, for shayla. Especially since Master'd been touching her here & there all afternoon after he'd picked her up. More simmering for her, then.

As Master had been preparing to leave he mentioned that this day, in part, was due to shayla's diligence in her exercise and shaping up. She made sure to put in a good effort on her exercises that afternoon, and ran for part of her walk, which took a half hour more than normal.

shayla

Bound

A comment posted about shayla's site came to her attention the other day.

"What I could not find on the blog site is any reference to the type of boundaries that keep the relationship structure in place. Is it threat of physical violence? Threat of afterlife punishment? Threat of starvation? Some form of fear is always present at the boundaries of our behavior..."

None of those, really.

In the society we have created for ourselves, there are those men that hold the women they desire by force of some kind. Coersion, threats to either the woman or those she cares for, abuse, mental and emotional blackmail and manipulation. The women who remain in those situations do so out of fear. Many of them are consciously aware they are in an abusive situation, they may even want to leave. Due to fear they remain. Such a circumstance tells on a woman's psyche, emotional status, the way they appear to the world. Regardless of how she attempts to make light of the situation, her every move and word shows that something is seriously wrong. She doesn't thrive. Rather, she stagnates, regresses. Strain, worry, and the active fear she can't evade tell on her daily, making the unhealthiness of her relationship patently clear and eventually affecting even her health and emotional well-being.

In the time shayla has been here, she has been fully under her Master's will. While he's allowed her to express her preferences and wishes, both of us know the final decisions in everything are his. She is only allowed her input. He pushes her, encouraging her in her exercises, dancing, everything that he's set for her to learn. If she laxes in her duties, she is met with his very pointed, firm correction.

Being under his will, though, in the past few months, she has not only been happy, she has been thriving. Her co-workers notice her continually increasing happiness and contentment. One even, amusingly enough to shayla, wanted to know what it was that shayla's man was doing to her that made her so happy. A key thing here is that her Master is not the one making her happy, she is.

Master doesn't threaten her in any way. He doesn't have to, even if he wanted to. She is held here not by him, but by herself. Since word one, he has been awakening something in her that she's been unable to resist. She feared it, tried to resist it, only to fail in the effort. Some kind of mental brain-washing on his part? Again, not even close. He's only been nurturing that part of her that's been awakening.

Consider this. In the past 3 1/2 months, shayla has become more assertive, confident, more beautiful even. She no longer needs anti-depressant medication, has lost 24 pounds and 3 sizes. The exercises that Master has taught her, which she does religiously, are helping tone her body as well as increase flexibility and strength. She not only is more beautiful, she feels more beautiful, sexier, even. She is finding herself again, through all this. And more, finding a her that she did not even know existed. She is better taken care of, cared for, than any number of women are by their husbands.

What holds this relationship together, this person asked? A combination of her Master's strong sense of responsibility to his property, and shayla's deep devotion to him. She could leave, if she were unhappy. Master's work keeps him from the house a day or more at times and she has resources. The collar she wears locks with a padlock, which she has a key to. In less than an hour she could leave, with no trace of her presence remaining. And if she were unhappy, she has only to beg release and he'd do so, even assist her in re-establishing her life apart from him. And in doing so she feels she'd betray herself as well as him. She'd be walking away from a part of herself that she'd be incomplete and unfulfilled without. That some have brushed against, but never struck with such accuracy as he has.

It is not her Master that keeps her bound so tightly to him. It is herself.

shayla

Curiosity...

... is not becoming in a kajira.

So say the novels.

So, it must be true, right?

During the conversation Master and shayla had last night, he brought up the fact that he was glad she did not work Thursday. He's got something in mind that day and will not tell shayla what it is. Said that she'd enjoy it, after she recovered.

Recover???

Recover from what, she's wondering. He allowed shayla to guess for a moment. After one or two attempts she stopped guessing, though she could have continued if she wanted to. In the meantime her curiosity had gone into overdrive. Shayla, when she lets herself go, can be one of the most curious, nosy, persistent people around. As it is she was tempted to pester her Master trying to figure out what he was thinking. She didn't, though, just let the matter rest.

Why? Any number of reasons, many directly related to Master himself.

- The more shayla carries on about something she doesn't like, whether that be wanting to know something, some order that her Master's given, whatever, the more Master sees to it that what she's harping about continues. That is, if he doesn't increase what's agitating her.

- The above stunt also displeases him. That's bad enough, to her.

- Again, it's up to him if he'll inform shayla of something. If he doesn't it's because she doesn't need to know, either at that time or at all.

- When she dwells on something she doesn't know, trying to figure it out, it distracts her, makes her edgy, and lowers her overall performance and attitude.

This is something that shayla continually works on. She likes to know what is happening, to have a finite idea of what her Master has in mind. But she doesn't need to know. It's a continual act of faith on her part, simply accepting his word and letting the issue be. She knows he'll not let her come to harm, or be placed in a dangerous situation. In all the time she's known him not once has she been hurt, either emotionally or physically, by what he decides and does.

In a Gorean relationship, such uncontrolled curiosity is not welcomed. The kajira knows who's in charge, knows that she'll find out soon enough. It seems to shayla that too many questions indicates a lack of faith on the girl's part. Though, she's the first to admit that having faith in someone is difficult, as well as one of shayla's weak points. Having trust and faith in a person has always been very difficult for her.

So, at this point, she's still wondering what he's got in mind. But she'll not ask again, as she'll find out soon enough. Though she does have her suspicions.

shayla

Valentine

Master's not much for some holidays. His birthday, he does something for his mother. Says that he was just along for the ride, while she did all the work. Doesn't even like having someone wish him a happy birthday. Christmas is much the same. Overall, simply another day. So as Valentine's day rolled around, shayla didn't give it a second thought, as it was in all likeliness to be the same. More fool her.

She had to work tonight, and Master called her about 10 minutes before her shift was over, with orders to come home, shower, get 'gussied up', and put her uniform on. Uniform being corset, her fishnet stockings, and 3-inch spike heels. All black. Shayla doesn't recognize herself when she's got them on. But it looks very good on her. Master had to run an errand about the same time she got off work and came home.

She came home, only to find that her collar had disappeared. Normally she puts it on as soon as she walks in the door but it wasn't where she'd left it, nor could she find it. Surprisingly, or, not surprisingly, it was upsetting for her. She's so used to it being on that it's hard to not have it on, and not being able to find it was acutely distressing, enough that she called Master to find out if he knew what had happened to it. He said not to worry, just do as she had been told. It took some effort not to be too upset, but she kept in mind what he'd said and obeyed.

Just as she got herself together he came home. She entered the living room, kneeling, her head to the floor as she normally does. Only when she straightened Master instructed her to put her head back to the floor, arms outstretched, eyes closed. This was followed by his moving around and the sound of chains rattling. Master had ordered some wrist and ankle cuffs weeks ago, and they'd finally been finished. After a time she was chained, wrists to collar, wrists to ankle, and ankle to ankle. He'd made good on his plans to hobble her, so that her stride would be more measured. The chains collar to wrist do not restrain her motions in the least. It was stunning, a little scary, when he was done and allowed shayla to open her eyes and go look in the mirror. Though, Master said he liked the way she looks in chains.

After taking a good long look at her, he ordered her to her duties on the computer while he finished with dinner. He sat with her for a little, wishing her a 'Happy Valentine's Day, slutling', then kissing her on the cheek near her lips before moving to the kitchen. It was this last that still leaves shayla astounded. She is kept in a low slavery, indulgences aren't frequent, and Master, to this day, has not kissed her on the lips. Such a simple act on his part brought shayla near tears.

Master'd ordered her not to eat at work, as he was planning on making a meal. Crab and lobster. Shayla's always had a weak point for seafood,and Master knows it. Seems he uses it for a treat when shayla's been performing well. One more little bit of motivation to be pleasing to him, she believes. We had dinner in the living room, simple, close, very enjoyable. Talked and joked while we ate. After shayla had picked up after the meal, he removed the ankle chains, leaving only the chains from collar to wrist. She's to sleep in them tonight.

All this was more than a little unexpected to shayla. She's so used to being in the background that something like this is stunning. And the thought that she'd not have been able to do anything for him to equal to what he'd planned brought her to tears. He laughed, said how could she do anything more than what she'd already been doing, obeying? 'That's all you need to do'

He spent some time on the computer after dinner, then turned it over to shayla. After leaving the room, he returned with a dish of chocolate covered strawberries. 3 huge ones. Shayla's not had chocolate for quite a while, it took her an instant to digest the idea of having it again.. He held one to her and commanded her to take a bite, then left the dish with her, hinting that she may wish to save the other two for tomorrow. Something she'll be certain to do. He left the room, saying she'd been doing well on her diet and exercise, though he didn't think an extra 15 minutes of walking tomorrow would be inappropriate. He's right, of course.

And astoundingly nice Valentine's Day. More so as it was not at all what she'd expected from him. Thank you, Master

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. Hopefully yours was as pleasant as hers turned out to be.

shayla

Learning

Occasionally, Master'll spring something on shayla that she was not necessarily expecting. Last night was a good example.

It was about 3 hours before he was to leave for work, and shayla was anticipating an evening alone, blog entry, watch a little TV, more exercises. Out of the blue he asks shayla if she's got any nice blouses. Going over shayla's wardrobe proved she didn't have anything that would be suitable, so a run down to the store remedied that problem. A quick nap on his part while shayla got herself together & we were out the door. As Master was getting himself ready for work he made the comment that he almost didn't recognize shayla when her back was turned to him. She was to wear her collar, the blouse was to be buttoned only to just above the waist of her jeans, so that it could be parted, the corset in plain view. Looked very nice, surprisingly enough. Shayla's never had the courage to wear anything like that.

When we arrived and shayla came in, she found herself a good place to people-watch, right by the dance floor. Got herself a coke & made herself comfortable. At first she just watched, paid close attention to what the people were doing with their feet. Chatted a little with the couple next to her. Progress as a kajira and in his service, yes, but this was the first time in months shayla'd been in an environment like this, and she wasn't certain of herself. And she'd never had a chance to learn to dance. So she watched, talked to people, watched some more. Finally she got up the gumption to approach a pair of ladies that were dancing some of the faster dances. Got a few tips, was coached through a couple things. Unbelievably, or, perhaps belivably, it came together for her, & she was actually enjoying herself and doing well at it.

A while later a man asked her to dance, and she accepted. He wasn't at all put off by the fact that she didn't know how, & took care to show her. It was surprising, it was a little scary, it was a great deal of fun. We had a good talk, danced a while more together before he had to leave. At the same time he behaved as a gentleman he still gave her the same type looks she'd been getting.

Of course, there were a few facets to this that were to be expected, given shayla's status. The collar was left on. At first, shayla'd turned to to where the lock wasn't as noticable. Master just readjusted it so it was right in front. She left it that way afterwards. Later in the evening, she was ordered to readjust her corset & the blouse, so her nipples were just visible. & then sent off once again. How much notice did the collar get all night, with the padlock dangling in front? Not as much as would have been expected, really. Though she got a great deal more notice after her Master's readjustment of things. The whole time she felt as though she was on display. Which, of course, she was.

She was more than a bit tired by the time her Master's work was over. Not having been to a night club like that in years, and staying there 'til 2 a.m. would do that to a person. She came away drained, mind spinning a mile a minute. Yes, she enjoyed herself a great deal, but Master had brought her more for her to learn and the exposure than for her to go play. She learned, she absorbed the experience. Looking back on it, she sees where she could have done things differently. Overall, though, she came away from the experience improved. She knows she learned a few things. Which was her Master's intention all along.

shayla