Thunderstorms

One of the good things about living in the Houston area is the weather. Shayla, for the longest time, has lived in a semi-arid climate, so frequent thunderstorms and rain is a novelty for her. Master has told her more than once that she'll eventually get tired of it. And no doubt, he's right (he always is). So in the meantime she gets as much enjoyment out of it as she can.

The interesting thing about thunderstorms is what they do to her physically. There's something about the rhythm of the rain, the sound of the thunder and the way it seems to resonate in her body from chest to belly and back again that is extremely arousing for her. During intense thunderstorms like we had this evening, each crack of thunder sends a fresh jolt of heat through her. One sincerely hopes that she doesn't get tired of thunderstorms to the point where that reaction no longer takes place. Because it's rather fun. Master seems to enjoy it as well.

But it can lead to some interesting situations. Shayla had spent the night at a friend of Master's some weeks ago. Kim and shayla had settled down for the night in her bed. Both of us are the same way in how we like to sleep. Both snugglers, both prefer to sleep in the nude. Shayla really only intended on sleeping. Until a thunderstorm came through. By then shayla was almost asleep & kim had, predictably enough, snuggled up with her. Shayla just settled around her and began to slide into sleep again. It was a slow rise from being partially asleep to fully awake. Each roll of thunder caused shayla to become that much more heated. Of course, not having been touched by her Master for over a day and a half had a great deal to do with things as well. The whole situation was entirely new to shayla, so she simply took her cues from kim.

Shayla has only had one occurance of being with another woman before this. And the entire relationship was ruined afterwards. But this was an entirely different situation. So it was simply a matter of shayla following this lady's lead. Shayla felt a mixture of hesitancy, concern for her feelings, and excitement. It was interesting, noting the differences in a woman's body compared to a man's. Not the obvious physical differences, but the feel of the skin. How they react. And the feel of Mastery that shayla has become used to with her Owner was not there. There was also the inevitable small tone of awkwardness that comes with two people being together for the first time. A few kisses, some strokes along the side, belly and breasts. Shayla kissed and nibbled along kim's neck and down to her nipples at her indication, still caressing her. After a time she stopped shayla and began returned what shayla had done for her. Only kim's has had a great deal more experience with women than shayla has. So she was more confident in what she was doing as she began toying with shayla's clit and pussy. It was surprising to shayla that her responsiveness was close to the way she is with her Master. She, however, was surprised just how responsive shayla was. It's always a bit unexpected to shayla when she comes across any show of how orgasmic she is compared to most women. After a time shayla tried to reciprocate, to give her the same level of pleasure. But, not being used to this type of situation, and with kim not as responsive as shayla is, shayla did not do quite as well as she would have hoped. But at least there was no disappointment on either woman's part.

Afterwards we were able to lay there together and talk. About Master, shayla's relationship with him, the effect thunderstorms have on shayla. We wound up falling asleep snuggling again. By then the thunderstorm was long over, and shayla was actually able to go to sleep as intended. Master came to retreive shayla the next night, so we did not have another encounter. But it certainly was a learning experience. And the beauty of it is, we're still friends as well.

shayla

Focus

Over the past couple weeks shayla has been sick off and on. There's been a bug out there that decided it took a liking to shayla. No sooner did she shake it then it came back and hit her again. Being ill's never fun. One of the things being sick causes shayla is loss of IQ points. Anything resembling intelligence or sense goes down the toilet when shayla's sick, and it's nearly impossible to focus on anything requiring her attention. That's bad enough for anyone. For a slave, it's more difficult.

A kajira needs to be continually paying attention to both her Master and herself. Her Master, to see to it she understands and responds properly to his wishes, both spoken and unspoken. Herself, so that she maintains the proper attitude and respect for her Master and their respective stations.

Shayla is notoriously impatient and being sick brings that impatience out in its worst form. And at first, she had a great deal of trouble with being ill. She had things to do, workouts to perform, most importantly a Master to serve. And here's this pesky illness causing her to slow down and be unable to serve her Master at the level and pace she's become accustomed to. So shayla's inability to pay attention to what she needed to, coupled with letting it bother her to the extent it did, has caused displeasure on her Master's part. And with good reason. She'll not try to make any excuses for herself. While shayla was ill, there's no reason for that to cause a girl to err in such a manner. She still needs to focus on what's important. It seems to be a matter of the slave slowing down a little and pacing herself when she's ill.

After a time, she was able to figure out somewhat how to prioritize and focus on what she needed to the most. The pointed talking-to her Master granted her helped tremendously in getting her mind back on where it needed to be. Getting better, taking care of her Master's property. Namely, herself. Once she was able to internalize that, to focus on getting herself better, it seemed as though her recovery quickened. Not the way shayla would have preferred to learn this critical lesson. When a girl is ill, her focus has to be on taking care of her Master's property, herself. Seeing to it that it regains its health. That doesn't mean that she slack in paying attention to her Master's wishes or how she behave herself.

If only she had come to the full realization of it sooner.

shayla

Prey

shayla: Master, sometimes, sometimes he looks at her, when he's using her sexually in some way, or when she's done something that really pleases him, or she, somehow, looks better than anticipated for some reason. There comes this look in his eyes that is almost, no, is, frightening. Not harmful or mean or any thing like that, but so awfully intense that it causes her to be chilled, even as it completely turns her on. Can't look away, but am afraid to keep on looking.

Rich: this, too, is to be expected. It's the look of a predator when considering his prey.

shayla: rather like a deer in the headlights feel, Master

Rich: "Nature made of man the perfect predator.. it made for him his perfect prey: woman"

Rich: That you are frightened, or enthralled by it, only speaks of your awakening to your own femininity.

shayla: Master commands her to look away. She asked him about it once, & explained to him what shayla just told you. He said he orders her to look away because she'd not be able to handle what she sees there if she looks too deeply. Prolly right, there.

Rich: probably. However, the fact that it turns you on, speaks well of your ability to handle it.. or a bit of it.

shayla: & the fear she feels, perversely enough, makes her want to keep on looking

Since our first conversation, shayla has always sensed a feeling of waiting coming from her Master. Nothing threatening, simply a feeling that he was waiting for her to realize something he already knew.

Now that she's here, she occasionally notes glimpses of intensity in him that are frightening and arousing to her at the same time. These looks that she spoke to Master Rich about are a perfect example. A look that will go straight to her soul and gut. She's afraid to keep on looking, but can't seem to look away. It's almost as if she's under some kind of compulsion to keep on looking. She mentioned that it's like a deer in the headlights feel, but when she thinks about it, the feeling she has is more akin to a mouse under the gaze of a cat that's intent on capturing it. A feeling that she's completely, inescapably owned by him. Completely at his whim. She feels more property when he looks at her like that than most any other time.

Most of the time when she's unable to move her eyes from that look he'll tell her to look elsewhere, or ask if a kajira should be meeting her Master's gaze in such a way. There was one afternoon, though, that was different. He'd just finished using her. Sex with Master isn't lovemaking in the traditional sense. He's pleasing himself with shayla, and shayla's main focus during these times is pleasing him. Don't mistake her, she gets plenty of satisfaction from it, both physical and emotional. But that's just a convenient side effect. Master had looked at her with that same intense look in his eyes towards the end and shayla literally lost herself in it. She was unable to note anything else and at the same time she loved every instant of it it was still frightening to her, seeing such possession and ownership in his eyes. As he moved to leave her he said, still looking in her eyes, "be afraid, this is just the beginning." He wasn't talking about sex, but about her slavery and service to him.

What he said was very accurate. She's only belonged to him for a little under 5 months now. Her service is only just starting. Shayla has so far been adapting to being under her Master's will and learning what his preferences are. He's barely begun to own her as he's planned on. And most of what he has in mind shayla has never experienced.

So this look in her Master's eyes is something that speaks volumes to her. It's a look that holds possession, ownership, and what seems to be an intent to keep her as his property in it. It scares the hell out of her, because she knows there's no way she can evade what she sees in her Owner's eyes. It never fails to excite and arouse her. And each time she sees it, she looks forward to the next time she's allowed to see it in her Master's gaze. She revels in it.

shayla

Him

'A girl is grateful that she was touched by her Master,' she said. I did not respond. A slave's gratitude is nothing, as are slaves. 'Savages of Gor', pg 9

The interesting thing about this quote is the circumstances in which Master read it to shayla. Immediately after she'd expressed her own gratitude for his use of her, just as the slave in the passage did. Master reminded her after reading this passage that he hadn't used her for her pleasure, but his own. For some reason the fact struck her to the core for a few moments. Surprised? No, she wasn't surprised at all. Since the moment she came here, and even before, what Master has done regarding shayla has not been for her benefit and pleasure, but for his own. And she's known it. But to have it presented to her in such a manner, after what, for her, is always emotional, brought it home even harder.

She's not here for herself. It's all about him. Everything she's done so far; the exercise and weight loss, learning to walk and speak the way he wishes, even her name change, is for him. To serve and please him. As time goes by and she settles more into her place here, she is more able to focus on that facet. Sometimes she has to stop herself from saying such things that are common in 'vanilla' relationships. The 'i love you's', 'i'm grateful to you', Master really doesn't want to hear them. He wants to see them, in her actions, how she obeys, maintains what he's trained her in. To him, that's what counts the most, the effort and progress put into shayla's service, not words that spill from her when she's emotional. So everything she does is colored by a feeling of adoration, a kind of worship. Everything she does is for him. The longer she's here, the more she internalizes this. It helps in her serving him.

The first question someone may have is, 'so you're not receiving anything by being there?' Or something similar to that. Oh, shayla gains a great deal. More sense of pride and self-respect. Her self-esteem continues to increase. Learning how to dance. And, of course, any Yank that can learn to cook Texan can be considered an improvement (something Master also reminds shayla of occasionally ;-) ). As well as a sense of satisfaction that she is growing in pleasing her Master. But all these things that shayla gains in the end benefit her Master. Because the better she becomes and the more she learns, the more her Master recieves in her servitude to him.

shayla

Public

One of shayla's duties is her tanning sessions. She's naturally very light-complected. Master, when shayla was first here, teased her with the notion of naming her 'lily', or 'geisha'. The tanning helps. She got her keys, phone (it's just a short walk for her), and was out the door this morning before she realized that she'd left her collar on. Quick dart back inside to remove it. Master had just returned to the house for a moment before he went for an appointment, and made the comment that nobody was going to be shocked by her wearing the collar. As he normally is, he was right.

Many times she's come home from work, replaced the collar and removed her clothing, only to feel more 'dressed' with nothing but the collar on than when she was fully clothed. Anymore, for her, a bare neck is disconcerting. Shayla normally removes it for work and when she's out and about, or when she's exercising. Work has the dress code policy which prohibits necklaces. The exercising would cause her neck to be too hot with it on. As for the other times she removes it, it's really more shyness on her part than anything else. And there have been times that she's left it on intentionally. When Master has wished it, when she's not wanted to remove it, or when she's simply forgotten to. Any of you reading this entry that wish to see what her collar looks like can go here for pictures of it. The D-rings on it are removed except for special occasions, and she wears it as it appears in the top photo.

Overall, she's not received any type of commentary about her 'choker'. Though one of her co-workers did make the comment that 'people might think you're owned' (do you think? ;-)) when she saw it the first time. Another chuckles each time the subject of any type of neck-wear is brought up around shayla, as this person knows shayla prefers 'tight' necklaces, though she doesn't understand the import behind the preference. And shayla still chuckles when she recalls one young man that carded her one night when Master took her out. A mixture of attraction and curiosity in his face while his eyes darted from the padlock, to her face, then corset, and back to the padlock.

Shayla will, for more mundane outings, turn the collar half-way, the lock and hinge positioned at the sides of her neck. Her hair is more than sufficient to cover the padlock and hinge when she's, say, at the grocery store or the local Wal-Mart. And even then, rarely does anyone give it a second glance. And she's never had a total stranger come up and ask her about it. It keeps her neck warm when the weather's cool. Given that she's been sick for the past two weeks, that's a plus in itself. Most importantly, it reminds her of what she is, even when she's out of her Master's home. Being kajira, and out in the mundane, public world, having a tangible reminder such as her collar is helpful to her. Reminding her of her place and her Master's ownership.

So next time she forgets to remove it, she'll just turn it & keep on going. As time goes by, she gets more and more tired of being shy anyway, as it seems to get in the way of her Master's wishes. ;-)

shayla

Instinct

There is a site run by kaylee, a Gorean kajira, called Kindlings. She posts various questions, quotes, and so forth to be used as prompts for journal entries. These prompts are oriented towards submissive women. It's extremely helpful to writing-challenged girls (such as shayla is) in giving them a little boost in the right direction.

This week's list had the following question..

Do you trust your gut instinct? How often do you follow instinct or emotion, over what your logic is telling you?

It made shayla think about when her Master and her began speaking. Those first conversations left shayla shaken for days. It was over a week before she had a good night's sleep. She kept dreaming of him, his voice, what he'd been saying to her, his face (web-cams are very nice things). Shayla can remember like it was yesterday what she asked him at the end of that week...(disclaimer here, shayla's not got access to the archives at this point, so she's going by memory)

"what have you done to me? I've not been able to sleep until last night, the dreams, your face and voice and words ...."

Master's response sent her away from the computer and to her couch where she sat in fear for a couple minutes to collect herself and stop her shaking..

"The same as i'll always do, whatever i want."

Logically, of course, the whole thing was preposterous. A man 13 years her senior, living 1700 miles away, who she'd never met face to face, yet shayla knew with absolute certainty what would eventually happen. And in this day and age, where stalkers and liars and all sorts of people our mothers warned us about on the internet, even more so. Yet here she is, a year and a half later, owned by him, sitting here with his collar locked on her neck, in his home as he reads in the next room as she types this. And happier than she's ever been in her life. She never doubted, from word one, what would eventually happen. As for what did happen, it's here.

Did she trust her instinct and ignore logic? Not in the least, she still was cautious about proceeding. So was he. And both of us for the same reasons. Shayla's always been one to pay equal attention to her feelings and instincts about a situation as the logical facts behind it. And there have been times that she's trusted in her gut and acted to protect herself in a situation even though the concrete evidence pointed elsewhere. And in those circumstances she's not been wrong.

In other times where she was wrong, it was because she did not pay close enough attention to what her gut was telling her, and only half-way followed that inner prompting, instead of fully. Or when she allowed people's well-intended advice to over-ride her gut. So shayla has always been one to follow her gut. Though she still follows a logical course when she does so. She finds out about what she's wanting to do, gathering the facts around it.

It's one thing to pay attention to your gut feeling about something. Another entirely to close your eyes, blithely dive in, and only then find that the water's 6 inches deep. A person's always still got to pay attention to what they're doing.

shayla

Quiz

This appeared on a site that shayla's loved since it was first shown to her, The Cee Word.
While Cee no longer adds to the site, shayla will go back to it and re-read the various entries from time to time. It seems the more she reads, the more she learns from it. It's an excellent site.

As for the test, you might want to try it, just for fun.

Shayla's a kitten. She's not surprised by that little result. Nor should anyone that knows her, really.
Meow.




shayla

[Update: I'm a lion. Quelle Surprise. Bring on your little pussies - I got somethin' for ya. MLD]