From Paper to Life

The books are, overall, very thorough. They have their longwinded moments that glaze a person's eyes over and cause them to skip to What Happens Next. Tarl Cabot slays Kurii with gleeful abandon after breakfast, magically captures, tames, and fully Masters a girl in another long-winded passage, and is still on time for lunch at the local paga Tavern. The girl he has just enslaved morphs easily into a gorgeous woman that'd put Pam Anderson to shame, embracing all facets of her new condition and status with as much lack of effort. Upon Tarl's disposal of her, she finds her love Master in the first auction she's sold at, and everyone lives Happily Ever After.

Bleh. There's a *reason* the Gor books are found in 'science fiction' as opposed to, say, 'animal husbandry', or 'self-improvement' when someone looks for them in a used bookstore. They're fiction.

A number of times shayla's seen people trip over themselves in attempting to emulate everything in the books in their life. While a great deal in the books can be brought seamlessly into use, there is a great amount that simply does not work.

Master mentioned in a previous post shayla's commanded position when he enters the room; kneeling, head to the floor, hands on either side of the head. Very appropriate, shayla believes. Does he call it obeisance, as it's called in the books? Or from on-line circles, karta? Not to shayla's knowledge. To her, and when Master speaks of it, she is kneeling with her head to the floor. Another example is when the two of us are running errands with each other, or any time we are out in public. Shayla inevitably winds up about 3 paces behind his left shoulder when walking, sitting behind and at a level below him (if practical) if we're sitting somewhere. On some levels this is unconscious. Shayla's always wound up behind him and to his left. Though, there was one occasion when she was at his right, he paused, turned to her, 'shouldn't you be to the left?' Clearly, she is heeling him (the fact that Master's left-handed has no bearing on his preference of where she is. The truck keys or a pen have less range when wielded than a sword. She's not gotten in the way yet). Something consiously applied? Perhaps not to shayla, but it seems Master's more aware of it on a conscious level than her. She'd not attempt to temporize for him. To shayla, she is simply placing herself where it feels appropriate given our relationship. Much the same happens at meals. Whether at home or out, shayla waits until he is settled and eating before she begins her own meal. All of these, directly from the books. Is it something we talk about? No. He doesn't command shayla to heel, nor does he tell her to wait to eat. It simply seems appropriate to her that she does things this way. Master's acceptance of such behavior is all the evidence she needs the he considers it to be so as well. So, there is a good deal of practical application to what is in the books.

There's always a flip side to the coin. Shayla's certain that Master's wanted on more than one occasion to gag shayla, tie her hands behind her back, & leash her while we're in the grocery store. Wouldn't work at all (though she's sure the thought's crossed his mind more than once). Shayla has come across a site where people speak a 'Kassar' language in their day to day activities with each other, though no samples of such a language are in the books at all. Another language developed and used occasionally on-line. People agonizing over whether or not there is such a thing as Gorean free women. Heated debates over how a slave should be dressed when she leaves her Master's house. Putting one's slave up for auction and advertising such in the local paper *certainly* would result in a negative reaction, of a most unpleasant type.

The essence of this is that all the customs and behaviors in the books do not have to be emulated in real life to be Gorean. In the home, it's possible to an extent. Though one would expect allowances & modifications when necessary. Shayla's entire work-place would be up in arms if she wore her collar, lock & all, when she came in for her time. But as time goes by and shayla learns more and more of this life she has begun, one thing becomes clearer to her. The books shouldn't be considered a how-to manual. There have been one or two people that shayla's had the pleasure of knowing that have never touched a book, nor heard of Gor, yet they have been some of the most Gorean people she's come across. Being Gorean isn't what you wear when you're out with your Master; claiming a caste; speaking a developed language; drinking blackwyne as opposed to coffee (and she's known a number of people that do just that). It's what you are, the beliefs you have and the honor, ethics, and way of being.

shayla

...a funny thing happened on the way from the office..

Occasionally (no, often) something will happen that Master and shayla both laugh about. Like today's little incident.

Shayla'd received a paycheck from her work yesterday, only to forget it on the way out when she got off. No great concern, she'd just pick it up while she was out on her walk this morning.

So, heading back after her exercise, she stops in and picks up the check, slipping it into the pocket of her sweatpants. Upon coming home, she finished her exercises and slipped a load of laundry, including the sweatpants she'd been wearing, into the wash before preparing for her Master's return from an errand (can you see where this is leading?). A mental inventory ran through her head while she washed a dish or two...

'Clothes, dishes, where'd i put that paych..oh, shit, oh crap.'

She ran into the laundry room & opened up the wash mashine. After fishing a bit, she found the sweats she'd put into the laundry, the check still happily ensconsed in the pocket. A still-soaked wad of paper that disentegrated with each touch, unrecognizable as anything useful. She called up her employer & found out the facts to be ready for the next phone call. Master's always one to want the main facts before any details. And was told that this is something that happens all the time, & it's nothing to worry about. The new check'd be reissued in a few days. She thought to herself as she got off the phone, " 'nothing to worry about', sure. *They* don't have a Master to answer to explaining how they washed & ruined his money"

Calls up her Master...'Master, it's shayla'

'What up, girl?'

'Ah, well, she screwed up, Master. Shayla wound up washing her paycheck.' She's saying this with a knot in her belly & throat, hands cold & unsteady, just petrified. As she began giving him the details a muffled sound came from his end of the line. Here she is worried to death that he'll be displeased with her and he's *chuckling* about it.

'Now you... ~chuckle~...now you know why I think kajirae shouldn't handle money' he said. The situation was so laughable shayla couldn't help but laugh with him.

Little moments like that are one of the things she lives for. In an instant it felt as if shayla was at his feet or in his arms, instead of 15 miles away. And some people wonder why she adores him as deeply as she does. If they could understand, they'd not have to ask.

shayla

Pony Rides in the May Sunshine

Something that shayla has noticed occasionally is the tendency to suspect, even unconsciously, that when a girl is collared, both the Master and slave will thrive as a pair with relatively no difficulty. That the girl will progress smoothly in her new place at her Master's beck and call. That the Master will be firm, strong, and loving with his property, doling out discipline and punishment with fairness and ease.

Not by a long shot. From shayla's (admittedly) limited experience, she could say that a Gorean relationship takes more work than a vanilla one.

For the Master, there is the challenge of knowing his property inside and out. Being responsible for her in all facets. Learning what prompts her responses, inspires her, frightens her. What she dreams of and wants out of life. Master has said more than once that to him, true Mastery of a girl isn't just making her obey, it's causing even the remotest desire to disobey to vanish. Shayla is certainly not Master material (quite the opposite, in fact *G*), but she imagines that such a thing is not easy for a Master to accomplish. And when for some reason the girl has earned heself punishment (Master told shayla once that whether she is punished or not is a direct result of her own actions..in a manner of thought, it is up to her if she receives punishment; directly related to her level of effort to be pleasing and obedience to his wishes), the Master has the task of deciding a punishment that is both thorough and leaves his girl with an increased desire to please and grow. And, as shayla has had the awful experience herself, it is often as difficult for a Master to give punishment as it is for his slave to recieve it.

As far as the slave is concerned, a different set of challenges. Most of the kajirae shayla knows are strong-minded, resourceful, independent women. To set all that to one side (though not dispose of it) and yield fully to the one she has come to belong to is a continual work in progress. Shayla herself is a very stubborn person, not one to do something unless she has a good reason. She has never been one to follow the crowd, intentionally rely on others, expose her deepest thoughts. Always there has been a large part of her that was held back, only shown to the most trusted of friends, and then only briefly. The primary duty to a girl is transparency. For shayla, this continual disclosure of her deepest thoughts is both extremely freeing and difficult. For too long she has hidden herself away. Another difficulty a girl has is yielding to her Master's smallest wish. Most strong-minded women (and men as well, for that matter) know how they want to do things; dress, pay bills, mow the lawn, when and if to continue their career, whatever. And the girl must shunt that aside and let herself do things the way her *Master* wishes. To set her old habits aside and defer to him in everything. It is something that, to shayla's mind, a girl must continually keep in mind.

Shayla is learning that, on the girl's part, transparency is a crucial thing in the relationship. Obligation? Oh, yes, by all means, it's one of her greatest obligations to her Master. But she has been discovering that being fully open to her Master in her thoughts and feelings, continually communicating with him, is a great assistance in the Master and his girl becoming a stronger pairing. In his knowing exactly how his girl thinks and feels about everything, he manages and Masters her better.

Is it easy? For shayla, it's not. She is breaking old habits, learning new ones. Learning to simply accept that while she does not know what is planned to happen, how her Master intends on training her, *HE* does. Stopping that reflexive stubborn streak of hers and simply yield to the way he wishes things to be. To be more deferential and respectful than she's ever been. She is trusting, for the first time in her life, another person on a level she'd never dreamed possible. And there are moments in her service when she'll despair, feeling that she's not able to do anything right. In those times she takes a mental step back and really thinks about how far she's come, the changes in her that have taken place already. And that her Master would not have her at his feet and under his hand if he didn't want her there.

This has been one of the most difficult things shayla has done, but it is also one of the most rewarding. If she had the chance to change anything about this relationship, she'd not take it. She loves every facet of belonging to her Master. It has been her experience that the most difficult things are also the ones that are most worthwhile.

shayla

'Complete Submission'

Much of what's agonized over and discussed until the subject wears thin on various discussion boards is complete submission. That a kajira submit everything, totally, without qualification, to her Master. Which is exactly what a girl should do. It's as important to the relationship as the slave's complete transparency to her Master, disclosing everything and anything to him. It is something that shayla strives for daily, complete and total submission to her Master and his wishes.

Only there's a slight flaw in the thinking. Shayla has been surrendering all to her Master, submitting completely to him, from the day she first came to his home. Doing everything she could to yield fully to his wishes. But at the same time she has been surrendering, she has also been changing. She learns, re-discovers things, understands things on levels she's not reaced before. She's been growing in her service. And Master's been bringing her along at a careful pace. Letting her have time to incorporate into her behavior what he's instructed her before adding something else. And as mentioned in a previous posting, her progress is uneven, which is to be expected. Though she is always progressing towards her goal.

So, is she still surrendering everything she can to her Master? Oh, yes, by all means. But, comparing the level of surrender to the one she belongs to now, to what she was able to surrender fullly when she first arrived, the contrast is blatantly undeniable. She is no longer the person she was when she walked into this door. She has grown, in her service, her self-image, and personality. And her surrender has deepened and grown along with her. What, less than 3 months ago, was complete surrender, now would only be a cop-out, a severe laxity in care and commitment that would bring what she most dreads, her Master's displeasure and disappointment.

Will she ever achieve 'complete, 100% surrender'? The deepest, fullest surrender she's capable of? No. Because she'll be constantly changing, growing, learning. There will always be some way in which she can surrender to her Master more deeply. It is only a matter of seeking it out.

shayla

Why does she serve him?

Months ago a friend asked shayla why she would willingly enter into a relationship such as this. Master asked her a similar question.

'What is it about me that makes you want to be mine?' 'Why is it you love me?'

It made her think that evening, and she wrote some about it in her journal that night....

'Why does shayla love him? It's so simple, because he is what he is. He didn't want that answer when she said it, he wanted more than that. It made her think for the rest of the night. He is this unique combination of gruff, harsh, caring, and encouraging. Though he is occasionally harsh on shayla, there are undertones of gentleness and patience while he's doing so that she can't help but respond to. He challenges shayla. Not in the traditional way a man challenges a woman, but challenges her to improve, to go beyond what she thinks she's capable of. She could go on & on. What it comes down to though is she loves him because of what he is. When he looks at himself & sees what he is, that's when he'll know why she loves him. The why's & how's of a feeling can't be dissected like you would a frog or an earthworm. It just is.

Shayla recognized him on a subconscious level when he pinged her the first time, she's not been able to get him out of her head since. And we've, the past couple weeks, we've been meshing, fitting in a way and on a level that she's never experienced before. Which causes her to love him even more. And each time he corrects her, raises the bar on his expectations, gives her another task to do, tightens his hold on her and less lenient, she loves him even more. Already she's becoming less shayla and more part of Master. She can no longer tell where what she originally was stops & where his influence and will starts. And at the same time, what is emerging is very much shayla. He is guiding her in discovering herself.

You did this to her, Master. And you ask why shayla loves you after doing so much to her so rightly. The why's of her feelings for you are all tied into your Mastery of her. And your Mastery of shayla has been, for over a year now, wakening half-forgotten instincts and natural tendencies she didn't recognize for what they were. And yes she knows you've been bringing her along slowly. Rare in such a lifestyle as this is the man so wise to manage his girl in such a way. What you are, and the changes that have been taking place in shayla since she came here and been under your influence. That is the answer to your question. She loves, and is proud of, the person she's begun becoming since being here under your hand and at your feet. Why else does a woman love a man besides those things?'

Why else indeed?

shayla

Diligence

Shayla has always been one to drive herself in things. Whether that be in school, her job, personal life, whatever. It's always been her that's been the deciding factor. In her previous relationships, it seems as though she was the one that made things happen. She was the main factor in finances, managing the household, whatever. Out of necessity, not from personal choice.

Here in Master's service it's a different matter entirely. She came here to find that the man she belongs to is, to her eye, a whirlwind of activity. Keeping up with him has proven to be a growing experience in and of itself. She is being held to a higher level of self-discipline than she's ever experienced. While Master's not dumped an unmanagable load of crap into her lap for her to handle, he's been pushing her to accomplish more, manage her time better so that she will ultimately serve him better. As time goes on and she learns more about what he's expecting in the duties he assigns her, his wishes become more precise, less flexible. He is holding her to a higher level of self-discipline than anything she's experienced. Wisely, though, he's doing it in such a manner that she can adapt to what he's expecting and meet it.

The results of this have been rather surprising to shayla, though she is certain Master hasn't been surprised. She's been learning how to push herself beyond what she thinks she is capable of. It's not happened overnight, and she certainly has a ways to go. But she's making progress, she can feel it, sense it in the way her Owner handles her and deals with her. He keeps raising the bar, asking more of her and encouraging her to meet what he's wanting. And she keeps finding herself somehow meeting them more.

Her progress is not smooth and easy. It's got weak points, she'll err in one way or another, which Master is quick to note and correct (with the switch from time to time, though his verbal lashes are equally, if not more so, dreaded). Always guiding her to his goal for her, keeping her focused on what she needs to be doing. And through all this guiding and direction that Master's giving her, she's learning how to push herself to be more than what she is. To manage herself and her time better for him, so they both gain what they are working towards, her perfection of service to him.