Trust
Trust has never been something that shayla's been able to maintain in people. Her upbringing was a nervous one, and she managed as best she could. There was neglect, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, so there were a number of things that she needed to handle. And as she developed, a cynicism developed right along with her. To not trust, not have confidence in people. Along with that she developed a way of disappearing, being unseen regardless of the situation. There had been too many times that she'd trusted only to be let down, mocked, decieved and lied to. So by the time Master found shayla she had long since forgotten how to trust in someone. To simply know that another would not let her down, let it rest and simply put it from her mind, confident that things would work out.
It's been close to a year and shayla's trust in Master is still deepening. There have been things that Master has taken over for shayla, but she has still worried about them. Still wondered what was going on, how things were going, what she could be doing. And while she thought she was trusting in Master she really wasn't. She was still trying to peek over his shoulder, attempting to know what was happening. And warring with herself about what she needed to do, where her duties as kajira stopped and her duties in this society started again.
And the more she thought about that, the more another thing slipped into her mind. The belief that she has always held that nothing happens without a reason. And while we don't know at the time what may be the reason for a certain incident, we'll learn it eventually. That there are things that happen which are unavoidable, but still ultimately for the best, so long as we allow things to develop.
So she decided the other day that there would be no more agonizing; no more wondering what will happen. She's mentioned more than once to Master and others that he manages her very well. Why should certain things be the exception to the rule? And she's always known that he takes good care of what's his. It may not be the way *she* takes care of things, but most of the time, Master's way is even better than what shayla's would have been. Just back off and trust him.
It's scary, it's unsettling. And she can't avoid a niggling part of her wonder if she's failing in her duties. But at the same time she knows that he manages her as well as he does, & that he takes his responsibilities very seriously. Somehow it's working.
shayla
It's been close to a year and shayla's trust in Master is still deepening. There have been things that Master has taken over for shayla, but she has still worried about them. Still wondered what was going on, how things were going, what she could be doing. And while she thought she was trusting in Master she really wasn't. She was still trying to peek over his shoulder, attempting to know what was happening. And warring with herself about what she needed to do, where her duties as kajira stopped and her duties in this society started again.
And the more she thought about that, the more another thing slipped into her mind. The belief that she has always held that nothing happens without a reason. And while we don't know at the time what may be the reason for a certain incident, we'll learn it eventually. That there are things that happen which are unavoidable, but still ultimately for the best, so long as we allow things to develop.
So she decided the other day that there would be no more agonizing; no more wondering what will happen. She's mentioned more than once to Master and others that he manages her very well. Why should certain things be the exception to the rule? And she's always known that he takes good care of what's his. It may not be the way *she* takes care of things, but most of the time, Master's way is even better than what shayla's would have been. Just back off and trust him.
It's scary, it's unsettling. And she can't avoid a niggling part of her wonder if she's failing in her duties. But at the same time she knows that he manages her as well as he does, & that he takes his responsibilities very seriously. Somehow it's working.
shayla
posted by shayla | 12:20 AM
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