Daddy

Baggage. Most women carry it around to some extent. Old griefs and hurts that plague them, even though the causes of the pain are long since out of our lives. Shayla's spent the past few days, weeks, going through hers. No other way to put it, it sucks. Master's said more than once, 'Embrace the suck'. As is so often when it counts, He's right.

What happened to shayla with her father is unimportant. It's enough to say that she spent most of her days living with him in avoiding his sight and notice. And upon moving from home she avoided going back, or thinking of him, as much as possible. He was simply an entity to be avoided. Through most of her life, she's considered fathers to be a necessary evil. Part of the family, yes, but of no real value to it apart from monetary. Over time that distaste morphed into neutrality. She never comprehended what fathers really were, could be, until this past year with her Master.

Sometime in the past month things happened to where shayla was unable to avoid what took place with her father. Oh, shayla tried. Hard. Violently rejecting what was happening, wishing to evade the catalyst and its results altogether. No can do. Master wouldn't let her, instead making her stare in the face what happened between her and her dad. It scared the hell out of her.

He asked her questions, had her tell him things, made her search her memory, talked to her. It didn't happen in a day, but over weeks. Talked to her about what had taken place, showing her a different perspective of what had happened. It wasn't easy. More than once shayla just broke down and cried, even though she tried not to. Occasionally she had to fight the urge to actively disobey him, she was that disturbed by what was going on. She'd remembered some things before, but more came to the surface. There were dreams where her Master would pull shayla from her father, or talk to them both. It's hard to write about it.

So she's in the midst of healing after over 20 years of suppressing everything about what happened. At this stage she feels as though a tumor has been cut off, leaving a raw, open area full of exposed nerves. Just starting a healing process. She's forgiving her father, forgiving herself. Learning how to let the guilt go and love herself again. It's something that takes time.

Sometimes she's angry with him all over again, others she can be more understanding. Master's been a guide through it all. Pointing things out, offering things from a different perspective. Asking her questions that make her really think about things.

What's also important is that what happened is in the past. And shayla's let it define her for way too long. She's learning to let it go, to put it behind her. To re-define herself based on what she is, what she's accomplished, rather than what was done.

Right now, she's already noted a difference in herself, her outlook on things. It seems that she's lighter in spirit, less sober. More able to see the positive and fun in things, both past and present. There's no telling how much of the changes are evident to Master and miranda. But they're starting to take root in her. It's just a matter of moving forward from this point. She wrote in her journal about it the other day...

"...thought about Dad some. I think he'd have liked this area, the environment. Though he'd have hated the snobbery that one comes across occasionally. I found myself wishing he was here. Oh, that just hit me, my hands are shaky. I want my Dad. I want to be able to show him where i am, what i've been doing with myself. Share with him what's been going on. Have one of those conversations that ran so deeply that the three of us enjoyed having. Oh, Daddy, i find myself for the first time in my life wishing you were around."

shayla