Will

It seemed as though all day yesterday shayla was in high-gear. While she knows it's not practical, even possible at times, shayla still tries to get done as much of her regular duties as possible during the day. Master's been working on a large project on the computer, which has taken quite a bit of his time. So after finishing her duties, eating (something that shayla will occasionally forget to do when she's busy), and cleaning the kitchen, it was after 11:30. She laid down at Master's feet, the t-shirt he'd taken off & set aside used as a pillow while she cat-napped and waited to be allowed to work on her daily journal and blog entries.

He asked why she'd not gone to bed yet (when Master's head and shoulders-deep in work, he seems to forget all else). She said that she had her blog and journal entries to do, and couldn't go to bed of her own volition. Master started laughing, "You make me laugh, girl. When was the last time you did anything of your own will?" For some reason it struck shayla as absolutely hilarious (when she's really tired, she gets giggly). We laughed about it for a couple minutes before Master sent her to bed.

Excellent point. When was the last time shayla's done anything of her own free will? She can't remember. There's simply been a gradual change in her mindset and how she thinks and responds. Anymore, a mild comment or suggestion on his part has her thinking in the same context. Master'll mention something about how he would prefer her to do a certain exercise, and she begins that new way of doing it without even thinking about it. Another example is his preferences for her diet. A comment about how grapes are 'little packets of sugar', or how he wants her eating more protein-rich foods have caused her to have a reluctance to eat grapes (much as she likes them), or begin focusing more on high-protein foods. With many things it's a mindless reflex anymore.

There are times that it's not quite that simple for her. Times when he tells her to do something and she really needs to focus on what he's wanting and push past her own preference and do as he wishes. Lately, in those instances, it's as if she's in a slightly different state of consciousness, as if she's still fully participating, but under control other than her own. That's what happened at the Faire two weeks ago. She focused only on the task at hand, not her personal preferences or thoughts of what she was doing. In that situation she could have easily thought, "my God, how'm i going to do that??' Which would have caused her to hesitate in obedience. There was another incident that same day when she found herself in a situation where she obeyed, even though under other circumstances she'd not have had the courage to do what was asked of her. So by focusing only on what he's wanting, the words he's said in commanding her, and not letting her self-talk make her doubt her ability to do it, she's better able to obey.

Does shayla have a will of her own at this point? If so, it's so melded with her Master's that she can no longer tell where one lets off and the other begins. The deeper her slavery becomes, the more her will becomes her Master's.

shayla